Preposterous Facial Hair

Ned Flanders lives.

Please let this not be a trend that catches on. A little hair above the upper lip is just fine and dandy (although I’d suggest it looks a lot better as part of a combo involving a beard than as a standalone unit), but those big, bushy, walrus-like things are another story entirely. In my book of fashion nightmares, they’re at about the same level as those stupid exaggerated bell-bottom jeans every white trash rave kid in America was wearing a couple of years back. You know, the ones that were always frayed and dirty at the bottom from dragging the ground at the tractor pull?

Yes, people have a right to accessorize as they so choose, but no one has a right to look so ridiculous that I have trouble swallowing my food because I’m laughing at them so hard, dammit.