The ‘Burbs

Funny, funny op-ed piece from my hometown paper:

he zoning laws are very strict concerning the naming of new residential communities. If you are well-funded and have the right lawyer, you can pretty much drop houses out of the sky wherever you please, but the name must be generated from the grid below by choosing one word from each of the columns, (e.g., “Hootenanny Hills Holler” or “Deer Droppings Down”).

I live in northwest Greensboro, which is zoned “HT-3,” meaning it is mandatory that a Harris-Teeter be located every three miles or else. Under municipal ordinances, if it is ever found that there is a greater than three mile distance between any two northwest Harris-Teeters, the city is empowered to build a deli and/or bakery in your residence until a new store can be constructed. Until they opened up the new Harris-Teeter on New Garden Road last month, my mom was forced to hang rotisserie chickens from her porch, and it caused a serious animal problem.

While driving around looking at houses with the hubby, I also like to come up with new subdivision and street names. Some of my favorites include numerous variants on “The ___ at ___ ____” and cute, little multi-word street names. Forget “The Shops at Peppercorn Point” or whatever. How about some of these?

  • The Projects at Piedmont Courts
  • The Prostitutes at Larkin Street Commons
  • Crystal Meth Marketplace at Ashley Point
  • The Check Cashers at Wal-Mart View Terrace
  • The White Trash of Dover

And in the vein of street names like “Timid Deer Lane” and “Spotted Oak Trail”, may I suggest the following:

  • Uncircumcised Penis Lane
  • Hempsmoke Heath
  • Lost Cherry Circle
  • Detached Retina Drive

More ideas welcome…