The fact that the City of Greensboro has so far paid an alleged marketing firm about three thousand bucks for this piece of crap is, strangely, not a surprise to me given what I’ve seen of the city’s other negotiations with web design firms. But good god. I could have come up with something better than that in about forty-five minutes. And I most certainly wouldn’t have had the audacity to charge three grand for it.
I’ve spent a good part of the past six years waiting. Waiting to move out of San Francisco, waiting to fond a new job once we moved, waiting for the day that Mark and I could start living together full time, waiting to graduate…
It’s stressful living your life in anticipation of how great everything will be once the next major life change happens, because (a) it keeps you from looking for things to enjoy about the way things currently are, and (b) things often aren’t perfect once you cross that next hurdle, either. And that’s sort of where I am right now. Things are looking pretty good for me: Mark has given notice in San Francisco, I’ve graduated, and career prospects are looking really good. Even so, I’m still feeling incredibly stressed because I still have so many major changes facing me in the next few months.
To start, I’m in the middle of interviewing and (for lack of a better term) career development right now. I was never completely explicit about it here, but last fall, a couple of months before graduating, I landed what was essentially my dream job, through a combination of luck, good timing, and, frankly, being pretty good at what I do. The problem is that this was a fixed-term job, ending in June 2010. There’s a very good chance I can keep it (actually, an even better version of it) long term, but I have to reapply and go through the whole academic hiring process, which is much more than I had to do last fall. I’ve made the first cut, and I think I have a better than average shot, but it’s not a sure thing.
I’m simultaneously in the application process for another, similar job at a different university in another city. I’ve made the second cut there and am one of probably two or three finalists. I’ll be interviewing in person for that one soon. Yes, this sounds like an enviable position in the current economic climate. And it is. I frankly can’t believe my good fortune. But there are a lot of decisions to be made, based on whether I get one or both offers (and in what sequence). And there are even more decisions to be made if I don’t get one of the two. So everything is on hold now. Again.
And then there’s the matter of where to live. It’s very likely we’ll soon be selling this Winston-Salem house that I very much love. There are too many rational arguments against keeping it: it’s too big, it’s a little too expensive, and it’s thirty miles from my current job (and much farther from my prospective alternate). It’s not really justifiable. That said, I’m having a really hard time letting go of it emotionally. This house is the first place that’s seemed like a long-term home to me since I left my parents’ house more than twenty years ago. I’ve spent four years here looking forward to the time Mark and I could live here together full-time. And now, just as we are going to be living together full-time again, I realize that we probably aren’t going to be doing it here. Even though I’m incredibly excited at the prospect of our being anywhere as long as we can do it together, I’ve invested a lot of time and emotional energy in the little fantasy surrounding this house, and it makes me kind of sad to let it go.
And there may be more geographical issues on the horizon. I’m not entirely certain our future involves North Carolina at all. In fact, if I don’t land one of these two jobs, I’m almost certain that it doesn’t. And I’m still not completely certain how I feel about that. I’m not averse to leaving the area, and there are many days when the prospect even excites me. I don’t hate it here, but I realize that don’t especially love it, either. My aging parents are a big factor, although I can’t really let their lives dictate how I’ll live mine (and I think they would understand that). I can’t let them create one more “on hold” factor.
Allow me a little self-absorption here. In the past six years, it’s been a pretty steady diet of almost all the major life stressors: geographic change, career change/unemployment, relationship changes, and major health issues (my own and my family’s). And Mark has experienced them simultaneously. He faced a similar dilemma a year or two back–realizing that he was wasting his life by waiting for some magic moment where life might “begin” again–and I think he did a better job of dealing with it than I’m doing now. In fact, his situation was even more bleak, because it was playing out in a little hovel of a room in San Francisco rather than a nice big house in Winston-Salem.
I know it was much, much worse for him, and I can’t begin to express how much I love him and appreciate everything he’s gone through in these past few years.
I also know that people all over the world would kill to have my current set of “problems”.
Unfortunately, knowing all this has, I think, caused me minimize the way I’ve been feeling and to convince myself that I somehow didn’t deserve to feel apprehensive or stressed. But I do feel apprehensive and I do feel stressed, so much so that I find it really hard lately to think about much of anything else. It’s becoming an obsession that’s keeping me from enjoying my life. And the fact that other people have it much worse than I do doesn’t really make it any better, thanks. When you have a toothache, that fact that someone else is having a heart attack doesn’t mean that your tooth still doesn’t hurt like hell. Granted, it may give you a little more perspective, but the tooth still keeps right on hurting.
I’ve been restless all my life, and have always been one to keep moving and enjoy the passing scenery through the car window. I’m not sure why that’s becoming so much harder for me lately. Myabe there has just been too damned much “scenery” the past few years. I don’t think it’s so much that I want to stop moving forward, but that I want to feel like I can stop and enjoy where I am once in a while without constantly agonizing over the next leg of the trip.
Actually, this is just another of those occasional “yes, I’m still alive” updates. It’s not really that I have nothing on my mind or nothing to say. It’s just that right now I either (a) shouldn’t talk about it right now, or (b) have chosen to do a bit of self-editing lately. As to the latter, it’s really too bad. I’ve written some passably good introspective, self-analytical stuff, but it’s a bit too personal. The former is more about professional issues, which have been sort of at the forefront lately. That will be rectified soon, hopefully with a happy announcement or two that will come wrapped either in blue and gold or in light blue and white. Or maybe both…
Until then, I’ll state for the record (and back it up with the photo below) that you really can fix pretty much anything with duct tape, just like your Uncle Bubba said. It just requires finding the right color.
Pink Floyd
Another Brick in the Wall, Part 2 (1980)
The number one song in America thirty years ago this week. Anyone else feel old?
So tomorrow is my husband’s last day at work. Unlike so many these days, he hasn’t been canned. He’s voluntarily giving up his job so that we can actually start living together again.
For those who haven’t been keeping up, Mark has been commuting cross-country to San Francisco for a good part of the past four and a half years, since a few months after we moved back east. It was roughly ten to fourteen days a month in the early years, but in the past two years, he’s only been home about six to eight days a month, and that time has been split between here and Pittsburgh. So essentially, we’re kind of starting over again as a cohabiting couple.
I’m very excited. I’m also a little nervous, because this means it’s my turn to be the primary breadwinner for a while. And because I frankly have no idea where we might be living in six months; that part depends on which (if either) of two jobs I’m currently in the running for becomes “the one”. The leading contender is local, and is in fact in the same place (and in more or less the same position) I’m currently at right now. But it’s not a certainty by any means. We could end up living in Pittsburgh and working at McDonald’s for all I know. Either way, I’ll keep you posted.
Whatever happens next, I’m sure it will be something of an adventure. And once I’m past the current uncertainty, and once we’ve spent some quality time getting to know each other again and having road trips and spending Sunday afternoons playing with our databases, I’ll try to be a bit more forthcoming with the exciting accounts thereof.
Maybe…
The Weather Channel is now calling for a high of 89F (32C) tomorrow. The shitty weather is starting extra early and extra suddenly this year…
I am not a regular transit commuter, but I am an occasional user of WSTA buses, albeit an admittedly infrequent one. One of those occasions was Friday, April 2, which is apparently a holiday for city and state employees, but not for many other people.
On that Friday morning, I needed to drop off my car for service and did so assuming that I could take the bus home. I made this assumption because there was no indication whatsoever on WSTA’s website or phone system that the buses would not be running. Who knows how long I might have been standing at the bus stop had someone not yelled out his car window to let me know about the mistake I was making.
I understand that regular riders are probably very familiar with the holiday schedule. I know that transit budgets are stretched pretty thin. But how much effort does it really take to add a note to your website and a message on your phone system to let people know that there will be no service on a specific day? There’s not even a general holiday schedule posted on the website as far as I can see. Frankly, that would seem like pretty basic element to me.
It’s occasional riders like me that WSTA presumably wants to attract. We’re also a powerful swing vote who generally support transit when bond issues are proposed. With customer service lapses like this, though, it’s little wonder that people who have a choice generally choose not to take the bus.
All the same, the experience provided me with the chance to take a (very hilly) 4 km hike home on a busy four-lane road with no sidewalks. It might have been a nice change of pace if I’d planned to do it. Or had time.
It struck me tonight that there’s a period from about 1996-2004, roughly, where there are a significant number of people I spoke with on a fairly regular basis and felt that I knew rather well. I would not, however, recognize many of their names if I saw them. But show me their email addresses and it’s instant recognition.
I’m not sure if that’s really sad or mildly amusing. I’m going to choose the latter just because it makes me feel better about myself.
Links, etc.:
- Great Historicist article on Peter Dickinson who apparently singlehandedly brought modern architecture to Toronto.
- Here’s some Pittsburgh photography after my own heart.
- Look. A video for Sheena Easton’s “Morning Train.” I never really knew there was one, and it’s not very good, but EMI is at least possessive enough of it to disable embedding.
- If you haven’t been following the hubby’s cross-country photo tour, you should start. I’m getting the deluxe edition by email, with updates from each train station and bus stop along the way, but that option isn’t available to the general public. I’m special ‘cuz I put out, I guess.
Bed now. Hopefully, my stomach will have recovered by morning from whatever is bothering it so. I’ll spare you the details.