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When the World Saw My Weenie

 

So I was going to babble on about how annoying I find the term “wellness” and about the new Sony Metreon complex in my neighborhood. Feel free to read what I’d completed so far.

But that was before. Before the world saw my weenie.

Those damned folks at Nightcharm. They were so nice. They interviewed me. They reviewed my site. They even put me on the cover. And then they turned around and a published a still photo from a personal home video that Pamela Anderson, Tommy Lee, Brett Michaels, Dr. Laura Schlesinger, and I made in 1994.

It had been such a special and private moment between the five of us. Brett sang “Talk Dirty to Me”. Dr. Laura was behaving in a strangely non-bigoted fashion. Tommy was tied up so he couldn’t hit anyone. And the stories Pam told about those lifeguards!

And now, Nightcharm has ruined it all for me. I may never listen to Poison or watch “Baywatch” again. I may cry.

Is anyone buying this? I didn’t think so. Oh well. I stand exposed…

It’s kind of fun, actually…

18 June 1999

Fine. Just fine.

1 April 1999: My April Fool’s page (which is no longer here because the search engines took it a wee bit too seriously), results in close to 100 happy, smiling email responses within 24 hours.

17 June 1999: In an interview on another site, I strip butt-ass nekkid for the whole friggin’ world to see, and almost no one has a thing to say about it.

If I were a more sensitive soul, I might be hurt by this (lack of) reaction, but I’ll just look on it as a cue to stick with the sarcastic writing and abandon that modeling career I’ve been fantasizing about for so long.

Dick now stuffed securely back into jeans. Where were we?

Hectic, nasty week. That is to say, I guess, that business is good. But a little sleep added to the mix might have been nice too. Credit the fine folks at PG&E with last night’s insomnia. They worked directly (and noisily) right outside my front window until well after midnight. Doing what? I’m not exactly sure.

And a hectic weekend coming up, with work, the possibility of meeting an email acquaintance for the first time, and one J’Tao in town. Not to mention that Simpsons marathon. There’s also the likelihood of accompanying Sarah on a quest for Vinnie Barbarino in San Mateo, which is a whole other story…

Right now I’m going to bed. Do not wake me for ten hours.

Friday Afternoon Naughtiness

Just color me tickled pink (or brown). There is once again Count Chocula in my world. Newcomers, of whom there seem to be quite a few this week, may not understand how much I LIVE for Count Chocula. Problem is, the stuff isn’t sold in California. No place in the whole damned state, it seems. I have to smuggle it in from Vegas, Minnesota, North Carolina, or wherever else I happen to be at the moment.

Until this week’s notice from Grant, that is, that boxes could be had for $1.79 at the local dented cans and overstock outlet. I often find odd store brand merchandise from southern institutions like Piggly Wiggly or Winn-Dixie there as well. I have four boxes of the chocolate and marshmallow concoction now. That should last me a while.

While I’m not too old to enjoy the therapeutic powers of Count Chocula, I am DEFINITELY too damned old to be bar hopping and slutting around in the middle of the day. My first trip to My Place on a Friday afternoon proved most illuminating. Most fun I’ve had in a dark bar on a sunny afternoon in quite some time. I usually hate bars in the afternoon; the idea sort of gives me the willies.

But there was the cutest bunch of boys there you ever did see. There was my guest Mickey, a digital friend from San Diego who was getting his first taste of Folsom Street sleaze. There was Scottie, an accommodating little nymphette from Santa Cruz. There was Brian (with whom I have a past which he seems to have forgotten). And there was Johnny from North Dakota and his boyfriend from Texas or wherever.

Somehow, my life is really only decadent when I have company. I’m sure Mickey came out of this thinking that things are always this sleazy and sexy for me, but I can’t remember the last time I came twice in one afternoon (with an audience no less).

Beginner’s luck, of course. If I went back next Friday afternoon, not a damned thing would happen. Maybe I just wanted to show off for my guest. Either way, I was beat afterwards. My nap later in the evening turned into a coma which lasted until this morning. And I only had three beers…

But now I have Count Chocula. All is well…

Time to Get Out of Town

Pride Weekend is almost upon us again, and I’m fishing for suggestions on where to go for the weekend.

By most accounts, the last weekend in June is San Francisco’s biggest tourist invasion of the year. I have nothing against tourists, mind you, but you can’t begin to imagine how upleasant it becomes around here during the influx. The bars are packed, parking’s a nightmare, and the rainbow-clad masses drive me into something resembling a homicidal rage.

Which is why it’s best for all concerned if I just get the hell out of town and skip the circiut parties and the five hour marathon of narrowly-defined labels and product marketing opportunities on Market Street. I’ll understand if no one misses me.

Now for a bit of good news: it turns out Tad’s Steaks on Powell Street will remain open in its current incarnation. A month or two back, it looked like this amazing piece of old San Francisco would be replaced by yet another foofy pasta joint. Word last night (upon dinner with Sarah, Dan, and Brad) is that the deal is off. Tad’s is safe, and we got free wine for caring.

I love Tad’s. Score one victory for the non-trendy, non-yuppie, non-fluffy, non-chain version of Sodom by the Bay. Herb Caen would be pleased.

As I close, let me rephrase my comments to stupid yuppie bitch in the Volvo who almost took out five pedestrians at Mission and Fremont this morning as she ran a red light (in case she didn’t hear it as I yelled at her): “You’re driving a car in heavy traffic. Get off the goddamned cell phone, you fucking idiot!”

Avoiding Pride

For a few minutes this morning, I seriously thought about making signs and marching in the “people with labels” parade. Some possibilities I considered:

  • Proud of Our Internalized Homophobia
  • Acronym Power!
  • Transgendered Lesbian Caregivers To Supportive Straight People Living With Bad Credit

I figured I could find at least one or two people to march with. Maybe it’s best I skipped the whole thing, though. As originally planned, I didn’t even go to the damned parade and I still managed to be annoyed by it on three separate occasions this weekend.

On Saturday, I was at the library doing a bit of research for an upcoming project. My cubbyhole was apparently directly above “Thumping Disco-schlock Stage #3”. Concentration was not enhanced.

On Sunday, I had to change plans twice, the first casualty being some errands in the ‘burbs requiring my car. I was afraid to leave the house, fearing I’d probably have to park in Oakland when I returned. Apparently, the parade route has changed and my neighborhood has become the unoffical parking lot for all the idiots who were too stupid to walk or take transit to the parade.

So I decided to walk back to the library instead. It was closed, due to the very self-same parade. I muttered and bitched as I walked through the outskirts of the “festivities” and the several hundred thousand proud gay men (all of whom seemed to have purchased identical white tank tops for the occasion) and set out on one of my long walks instead.

All in all, not a bad day. My hike took me through the Tenderloin, the Western Addition, the Haight, and the Mission. I took great pictures. I remembered my sunblock this time. I even sweated a little. And I only got panhandled six times in four-plus hours.

Exosphere is today’s “link du jour”. You gotta love a site where the first sentence reads “This site has typos. Deal.”

Cranky, and a Road Trip?

Summer has arrived in San Francisco. I hate it.

It’s been hotter than hell (which means it might have hit 80 in the city today). There’s been no fog. I’m not a fan of the never-ending sunshine. I’m also cranky because I can’t sleep with the windows open. This, of course, is due to construction of the new yuppie slum across the street. The sound of hammers and saws is not my idea of bliss at 7AM.

So my apologies for being completely out of touch for the past few days (whether by phone, email, or web). I’ve been rather obsessively working on a project which would no doubt bore everyone else to tears, so I won’t even get into it now.

This would be about the point where I realize I have absolutely nothing to say tonight. So what I’m going to do is include a list of cities which make up an early potential version of the Planet SOMA 1999 Fall Road Trip and ask for opinions and comments:

  • Reno, Nevada
  • Boise, Idaho
  • Butte, Montana
  • Calgary, Alberta
  • Edmonton, Alberta
  • Spokane, Washington
  • Seattle, Washington
  • Vancouver, British Columbia
  • Grant’s Pass, Oregon

For you newbies, check out the 1997 and 1998 versions of this trip and note that this year’s version includes lots of uncharted territory where I don’t know many people. If you want to give me a home, show me cool things, warn me how horrible someplace is, or suggest I scarp the whole list and stat over again, let me know.

Cool. That filled up some space…

Independence Day

Independence Day random thoughts, nonsequiturs, etc.:

  1. Isn’t it wonderful that, if the House of Representatives has its way, the American flag will have more specific Constitutional protections than a majority of American citizens? Shouldn’t we consider giving the Equal Rights Amendment another shot before rendering a piece of cloth (or other synthetic material) more important than the freedoms it’s supposed to represent?
  2. How did I live here so long without recognizing that the outlying parts of town (the Outer Mission, Glen Park, Bayview, the Richmond, and the Sunset) are in many ways some of the most interesting parts of San Francisco, free as they are from the trendiness and pretentiousness of the sacred northeastern quarter? I’ve been spending more and more time “out there” in the past few months and it’s starting to grow on me. There’s a reality that downtown is sorely missing.
  3. Why would someone throw out perfectly good windows like the ones I found on Clement Street with Sarah this afternoon? They saw trash. I saw end tables which will soon flank the sofa I still don’t have.
  4. What is it about holiday weekends that makes even natives drive like complete idiots?
  5. Last, how many people know (or care) that the humble store on Irving Street pictured above was most likely the first Safeway store in San Francisco, way back in 1927? Even better, how many people will believe me (or care) when I say that there used to be Piggly Wiggly stores here in the 1930s?

Sleeping now, as the 5th of July is not necessarily a holiday for everyone…

Mid-life Crisis

Another one of those troublesome sleepless nights. Excuse me while I think out loud. I think I’m having a mid-life crisis. I’ll be 35 next month. I’m entitled.

I don’t like my life right now. Not one bit. It’s boring, I feel really stressed, and I’m not accomplishing much of anything. I’m living in an apartment I can’t really afford in a city which increasingly annoys me. I have no social life to speak of, which wouldn’t bother me if I were using my time alone productively, but I’m not. I have a part-time job and I do some freelance work (neither of which I really envision ever completely paying the bills). And I’m smoking way too much.

This is not a whine, nor a plea for comforting pats on the back. It’s just a statement of fact. I need to be doing something radically different. It’s very possible that I also need to be living someplace radically different.

Give me a little leeway. I’m trying to work out a life plan here.

First and foremost, it’s time to consider the unthinkable: the fact that I should get a real, normal full-time job. It’s been two and a half years since I’ve had one, and I’ve finally realized that all this spare time is a large part of what’s keeping me from getting anything done.

Again, please hold the “you do a great web site which entertains many people” email. This kind of ego boost is alwys welcome, of course, but it’s not really what I need right now. Tonight is more of a “swift kick in the butt” kind of evening. Specific job offers, of course, would be quite appropriate at this point. Even if I don’t accept them, they might offer an idea what I should be doing next.

At this point, I’ll also request there be no email of the “you should be a writer” or “you should be a web designer” sort. I KNOW I should be one or the other (or maybe even something else completely unrelated). What I’m looking for here is specifics rather than general advice. But thanks all the same.

I’m still thinking out loud. I’m not really even looking for feedback necessarily, although there has to be a headhunter or a career counselor somewhere out there.

I know a little about a lot of subjects, but I fear I don’t know enough about any one single subject to be particularly marketable. Take web design: I’m good at it, I make fast, great-looking pages, and I can organize large amounts of information really well. But I’m not really a programmer. I have absolutely no interest in ever becoming more of a programmer than I am. And that’s becoming a big weakness. I’m also not cut out to let freelance and contract work be my only source of income.

I like to write. I’m even fairly good at it, some have said. I might even be able to edit, if pushed. But how do I go about doing these things? The problem is, of course, that I’m in a bit of a hurry. Anyone out there starting a magazine about urban culture and history and looking for someone who can write a column and create your web site? Hell…I’ll even make the damned coffee…

I have lots of interests and a well of knowledge on a number of subjects, none of which really translate into any sort of job that I can identify. I manage people well, I’m pretty good at organizing projects, and I love doing research. There’s got to be a job in there somewhere, but I’m damned if I know what it is.

I’ll stop for now, but I reserve the right to continue tomorrow on the subjects of San Francisco, my social life, and the fact that I haven’t had actual sex in an actual bed in a really long time. Or maybe I’ll just skip it…

8 July 1999

So I’ve decided to put the mid-life crisis on hold, at least until my birthday. Irma will be posting a list of appropriate consolation gifts soon, as you have only 33 shopping days left.

I’m too damned busy this week to have a crisis anyway. Aside from work, I’m also noticing that this week seems to be “Take Planet SOMA Seriously Week”. I’m honored, if perplexed, that anyone really cares what I have to say.

At the risk of sounding “full of myself”, here are a few examples:

  • There was my recent “revealing” interview and review in Nightcharm. That was fun.
  • Time Magazine (wow…talk about “legitimate”) currently has a link to my former Harvey Milk page on its site.
  • In the past few weeks, sections of Planet SOMA have been featured in two Yahoo “Full Coverage” pages: one on gentrification and one on SF’s Gay Pride Weekend.
  • In the past two days, I’ve been approached to do two interviews on the “gentrification in San Francisco” issue.

The mind boggles, no? The big question, of course, is how I can make all this new-found fame (or notoriety) help pay the rent? I’ll accept any ideas other than those saying I should pose nekkid again. Oh, what the hell. I’ll listen to those too.

Maybe I should just take a nap and ponder on this for a few minutes. Or maybe I should just take a nap. Period.

While I’m asleep, feel free to check out today’s links du jour:

Maybe more when I wake up. but I doubt it. I’m usually pretty groggy…

Site Update

Just finished a semi-major reconstruction of Planet SOMA. Chances are you won’t notice any particular differences, but it will make things a whole lot easier for me to maintain the site. There are about 400 pages and 2000 graphics on this site. Anything which makes maintenance easier is a good thing, no?

Here’s what I did:

  • Removed a number of oudated or rarely-visited pages and their associated graphics. This is to make room for expansion and new stuff I’m planning to add later.
  • Moved a number of pages to new locations. This will make maintaining the site about a million times easier for me. Unfortunately, it will make some people’s bookmarks cease to work. I’ve tried to add redirects where possible.
  • Fixed all the broken links WITHIN the site. This will not affect links to sites OUTSIDE Planet SOMA. That’s a task for another day.

Minor implications over the next day or two:

  • Some pages or graphics may take longer to load initially, as the cached copies in your browser will no longer be current. This is temporary and may not be a factor at all.
  • If you linked in from another site, the page you’re looking for may have moved. I’ve tried to redirect, but I haven’t done this for all the affected pages. Feel free to search the site to find what you’re looking for, but remember that my internal search engine will not be updated until I’ve finished uploading the new stuff.

Sorry for any inconvenience or traumas. If you run into anything that doesn’t work, please let me know.