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2013

Sanity. Somehow.

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To say that the last three years have been really tough on me would be a pretty colossal understatement. Don’t believe me? Try losing three of the most important people in your life (two of them are technically still around but in a much altered format) while simultaneously trying to build a new career and pretty much rewrite all the rules of your life. It’s not easy. There were many times–more than I let on even to my closest friends–when my thoughts got pretty fucking dark.

I probably should have sought help earlier than I did. In retrospect, though, I think I handled it all pretty goddamned well. Did I spend a lot of nights curled up in a little ball on the couch barely able to move? Yes. Were there entire weekends when I felt completely paralyzed by everything I needed to do and instead just ate pizza and watched “Adam-12” reruns on Netflix? Damn straight. Was I incredibly angry and resentful about how my life had been so negatively impacted by other people, all of whom I loved but none of whom had given me any say in the matter? Oh yeah. In fact, I still am sometimes.

But you know what?

  • I could have lost my sense of humor. Somehow, I didn’t.
  • I could have gotten really self-destructive and lapsed into all sorts of bad habits and really stupid behavior. Somehow, I didn’t.
  • I could have just given up and said “the hell with it.” Somehow, I didn’t.

All of which makes me realize that I’m pretty fucking incredible and pretty fucking sane–at least in relative terms. I somehow managed to do some incredible things at work, to begin eating healthier and lose weight, to find some new things that make me happy, and to reconnect with some old friends. I still wouldn’t say I’m especially happy. I continue to feel a little overwhelmed by life. The next steps for me involve letting go of the past, finding more things that make me happy, eliminating things that make me unhappy, understanding my strengths and limitations, and regaining control. Oh yeah…and seeking help when needed.

Or that’s this week’s plan, at least.

Videolog: I Really Wanna Know You

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Gary Wright
I Really Wanna Know You (1981)

Oh god, what a train wreck. This is one of those songs I’d (mercifully) forgotten about until I heard it this afternoon on an XM Top 40 countdown from August of 1981. The perpetrator is Gary Wright, better known for “Dream Weaver.”

This was the summer between my junior and senior years in high school and was the last time I ever really paid much attention to the whole Top 40 thing in any real way…most likely because of crap like this. This was the summer of Kenny Rogers and Alabama and “Elvira” and “Endless Love,” all of which fueled my ongoing conversion (begun two years earlier) into the alterna-boy you know today.

There are eight million stories

My new obsession this week is Naked City. I’ve been recording it off MeTV and now I have this (probably ill-advised) urge to buy the complete series on DVD in November.

It’s no big secret that I’m a sucker for old cop shows, specifically the ones that were shot on location in interesting urban areas, like The Streets of San Francisco (probably the best of the genre), Adam-12, Homicide, Cagney and Lacey, etc. Aside from being entertaining of their own accord, I love that they provide such a time capsule of what these cities really looked like at a specific time in the past, with diners and neon signs and dumpy furniture stores…and not an artisinal cronut stand in sight. It also helps that Naked City seems pretty consistent in its geographical accuracy; when they say they’re at Second Avenue and East Fourth Street, they really are. It’s always kind of a crap shoot on other shows.

Naked City is especially interesting, though, because it aired a good ten years earlier than most of my favorites and during a time when filimg on location was really unusual for a weekly TV series. It also has a sophistication that was lacking in most dramatic series of the time (it shared a creator with Route 66). All of this is making me wonder if it might actually be worth owning. I know you’ll be on the edge of your seats till November so I’ll let you know my decision as soon as possible.

Friday night

Happy, full of schnitzel, and ready for a three-day weekend. I was to finally able to make some significant progress on a project that’s been causing me much stress at work this week. The side effects of my new medication have largely subsided. I have a great birthday present from Sarah to watch. And I have very few pressing commitments. I may even take some time to work on the other site. Looks like the makings of a good holiday weekend.

Serenity prayer revisited

May I always:

  • Seek out the things that make me happy.
  • Avoid the things that make me unhappy.
  • Have the common sense to recognize the fucking difference.

Thank you.

Weekend wisdom

Biggest discoveries of the weekend so far:

  • Sugar water with a couple of drops of dish soap really does work when you’re trying to kill gnats. You put it in a little dish, the sugar attracts them, and the soap keepe them from being able to get out.
  • The Dark Shadows movie was every bit as wretched as I thought it would be, which is why I waited until I could see it for free. It was still overpriced.
  • I make a pretty damned good meatloaf. Just sayin’.
  • I need to get rid of lots more stuff at both houses. Fortunately, I’m feeling really motivated right now.