I love it when my babies go live…

What I don’t like today is department stores. I didn’t think it would be a major achievement to buy a box of plain white handerchiefs as part of my dad’s borthday present yesterday. I was wrong.

Macy’s had no hankies at all. Neither did Neiman-Marcus. Nordstom had nothing but a rack of oddly-colored things which looked more like ascots than something for expelling snot. If I’d had time, I would have gone to the Mission. If they’d been options, I might even have visited Target or Sears, which don’t really count as department stores, I guess, because they sell actual useful items.

From the mailbag:

I stumbled onto your “Jack London” page, and was taken aback by your “diss” of my employer, Spaghetti Warehouse.

Unlike numerous competitors, who use frozen, canned, and pre-cooked products, we cook all of our pastas and sauces fresh every day. Sure, we have recipes we follow, so there is an element of consistency, but we are not a paint-by-numbers establishment. There is a fair amount of creativity given to each restaurant, and we are always developing new menu items. To call us “generic” is a stretch, since we go to great expense to provide freshly-prepared food.

Please save the “generic” label for establishments who don’t even cook their own pasta and sauces (can you say “Olive Garden?”)

My apologies for “dissing” this poor, defenseless corporation. My apologies also that I still prefer Kelly’s Coffee Shop to an exciting and unique place like the Spaghetti Warehouse.

Sites worth looking at today:

• Making the Macintosh (thanks, Sarah…)
• Schoolhouse Rock (thanks, Adric…)

It’s no wonder so many people get so frustrated trying to find information online. They just can’t spell, which is a big problem in a text-based environment.

I’m not talking about typos (for which I’m famous) here; typos aren’t generally searched over and over in a short period of time. It’s particularly true of those people looking for smut. Searches for “masterbation”, “anyl sex”, and “nippel” are particularly noteworthy this month, just because I get such a clear picture of some salivating idiot sitting there typing them with one hand, getting more and more excited looking at that misspelled dirty word. He’s no doubt masterbating or fingering his anys with the other hand.

The lost souls who think everything online must be spelled as one word (just like email domain names) are fun too. I bet there’s not a single page on this site which contains the words “gaysexgalleries” or “southofmarketsexclubs” or even “pussylickinglesbianpix”.

And just how does someone get to this site thinking I have pictures of lesbians engaged in cunnilingus anyway? Not that there’s anything wrong with said activity, but the sight thereof doesn’t generally get my ‘nads racing since I’m neither a dyke nor a straight guy.

On the other hand, those of you who searched for things like “grits” and “safeway” and “brain-dead yuppie scum” have my eternal respect. You get it. Your typos are forgiven.

Lastly, to the flaming morons who keep searching for “young boy nude” and “naked children” over and over again, I regret to inform you that the only young child in any sort of nude pose on this site is me, circa 1967. It’s a cute picture, but I covered my one-inch weenie with my hands, even though it was probably not even erect at the time. Not what you were looking for, huh?

Yes, I’ve covered today’s topic before, but I have a brand new search engine, and very little imagination this week. Maybe next time I’ll tackle the people who don’t realize that email is allowed to have multiple paragraphs with actual space between them and entire words instead of just abbreviations and shorthand.

Pictures of the birthday bash coming soon. I promise. We were all clothed and over 21. Sorry…

If you find yourself bored today, check out the new search engine I’ve added, which should offer better performance for you and fewer hassles for me. I’ll miss the old one which I had to configure using Pico via Telnet, but I think I’ll get over it…