Journals : 1985
Introduction:
Definitely a different year. No more school. Eventual entry into the world of low paying reatil and service jobs. Realtionship drama out the wazoo. 1985 was the beginning of the end of my journal phase. After the first few months, the words became less frequent. Even more so in 1986.
Editorial comments in grey.
SOME NAMES HAVE BEEN CHANGED.
The Soundtrack:
Bronski Beat, Art of Noise, Red Hot Chili Peppers, REM, Wham, Talk Talk, Tears for Fears, Thompson Twins, Real Life, ABC.
4 January 1985:
It was actually a very unassuming package: a small UNCG envelope. But its contents! They said, very matter-of-factly, that I was ineligible to continue at the unviverstity...A difficult conversation with Mom and Dad definitely...I can't imagine what their reaction will be like...How did 1985 begin? At Hell House, of course. Pete and I went to Joel's party. It was decided early that I would spend the night with Pete...We slept together. Nothing happened. But it was fun waking up with him...Thursday night we saw "Purple Rain".
6 January 1985:
Tomorrow's the day. I dread it more than anything in recent memory. Just how do I go about telling my mom and dad that their darling baby has fucked up pretty damned bad this time?...I've lied to them and I've shot down (at least somewhat) their plans for me...Pete is worried that they'll blame him. He may have a point; I'd already wondered about it myself...Some sort of question about just what our relationship really is will come up. This is something I'm not sure I want to get into right now, although if the subject comes up, honesty will prevail.
7 January 1985:
Torment number one is now complete. I've told my mom. Her reaction was noble and dignified, showing respect for my decisions. She is a bit teary-eyed, but the whole thing was not as painful as I'd feared. Obstacle number two is waiting in the den.
8 January 1985:
Obstacle number two has now been briefed on the situation. My opinion is that he's taking it harder than he wants to let on...Details as they come. I've got a date for Harry's with Pete and Jeff. I should stay home but I won't.
9 January 1985:
I've really fucked up big time now. It's 8:30 in the morning. I've just gotten home. And this after last night...
I picked up Jeff around 7:30...then we got Pete and headed for Secret garden. Kinda fun but bad music, so we left for harry's. Starts getting interesting here as Pete was starting to feel the effects of a Demorol...Pete kept saying how badly he needed to get fucked. At one point, I told him if he said it once more, Jeff and I were going to take him home and fuck him. His reply: "I'm not complaining." I knew SOMETHING was going to happen at this point...About midnight, I decided it was time to go. Pete agreed. Jeff said he'd find a ride...
At this point, Pete was trying to convince me to crash at his place. He started to just about get insistent...I lit a cigarette and got ready to go. What follows will be permanently etched in my memory:
"Now come on..." He pulled me over to him, putting his arm around me...Then he kissed me...and before I knew it we were stretched out on the bed, me with my cigarette dangling and my coat still on...
As I returned from the living room after ditching my cigarette, and jumped back on Pete, his first words were "still want to go?"...When I first laid down on him, completely nude, it was like the world was finally coming true to me. This was a real "I can't believe this is happening to me. Is it a dream?" situation...
I had to stay the night. Didn't get much sleep though...The bed was a mess this morning; he will have some sort of reminder about me...I've been home for an hour now...I don't look forward to seeing my dad's face...They think I was with Sarah last night...I need to wash off the Crisco now.
I have my doubts that anything like last night will ever happen again, but who knows...
11 January 1985:
Strangely enough, fucking around with Pete has led to an even more unusual situation than I might have imagined. We're seeing as much of each other as ever before and it's as if nothing happened...We haven't even mentioned "it"...Neither of us can seem to admit that we fucked (and that it wasn't just a drunken moment)...
I do my "farewell to radio" Sunday night.
16 January 1985:
Pete, Jeff, Todd, and I went out to the bar...Pete kept pressuring me to go over and hit on this guy. That hurt...Why does he want to distance himself?...Is he trying to say "Don't stand around waiting for me, you're not going to get it again"? ...The next time we see each other will be even more tense, I feel. We have to talk...Sunday night was a night of moments. Good-bye to radio after 2 1/2 years...I've been thinking I might fuck Skeeter; I'm sure he can be had pretty easily. I've had the only one I really want. Why be choosy?
17 January 1985:
Last night. A night which I remember only in bits and pieces. I'm probably glad...Jeff...Pete...Skeeter...Power Company for the show. Pete was convinced I was mad...I got drunker and drunker, and Skeeter and I were together more and more. He knew I was depressed and he knew the reason...we started kissing...way home...back seat...we made out all the way home..."heavy petting"...
Jeff thinks Pete was jealous and mad. He crashed with Jeff "wanting to fuck"...He told Pete he thought he was doing this to "get back" at me...Strangely enough, Pete's first words upon waking were about me. Jeff was weirded out by the whole thing. He wasn't sure if I was trying to make Pete jealous (I'm not sure) or if Skeeter was trying to make Jeff jealous (again I'm not sure), or both or neither.
18 January 1985:
Me: "What's the tear-jerker song going to be tonight?"
Jeff: "I don't know, but if it's 'Time After Time' meet me on the speaker behind the dance floor so we can cry."
It was. We did.
26 January 1985:
Didn't talk to Pete all day. I drove by the apartment fully intending to make a move, but he didn't appear to be home...I went by Sarah and Janie's; we drank a little cheap champagne and watched "Saturday Night Fever"...A few things are bothering me a bout Pete...He stated that there was no such thing as love. This scares me...He seems to be getting more and more cold and cynical.I'm worried. Sex seems to be all he cares about now...I wrote a letter Wednesday morning at 5:30 telling him my whole story...I didn't mail it.
28 January 1985:
Meral has become manager of her apartment complex...She gets a three-bedroom apartment for half price (free after six months). She's invited Duncan and me to come live with her...Duncan brought out a DJ who was kind of cute and quite friendly as i was leaving the bar tonight: "We should have spent more time together."
30 January 1985:
Another dose of reality has just set it. Just what I needed right now, huh?...The apartment above Donna's is becoming vacant on 12 February. Pete is ready now for us to move in...Wrong. I can't live with him. Sharing an apartment with Pete would, I feel, be one of the biggest nightmares of my young life...I'd be a suicidal maniac the first time he brought anyone home...
I have no clear choice. I have to tell him the truth. It's now or never. As things stand right now, I can't move in with him...I couldn't get hold of him today...I'm driving down for a day or two's visit with Meral this weekend. My heart is telling me to run away to Raleigh.
1 February 1985:
First landmark: Telling Pete today that we couldn't move in together...Second landmark: A letter to Pete, tonight dropped in the mailbox. Irreversible decision. It's done now. Full disclosure within letter...He'll probably get it today. Luckily I'll be 90 miles away.
3 February 1985:
Raleigh...Drinking...crying...purging...soul-bearing...puking...I wonder if Pete's read his letter yet?
5 February 1985:
After this particular trip, I find myself in a better frame of mind than I've experienced in months...It's as if I'd completely cleansed my system...I'm not going to worry about Pete anymore, no matter what the outcome. I've finally realized that I don't have to anymore. The whole problem I've had has been the ambiguity of the situation. Now that terms have been clarified, I feel that I can more or less rest easily, and that I can accept whatever response he makes...
The DJ that Duncan brought out to the bar that Saturday night...called me about 30 minutes ago and asked me out. How refreshing, and what timing!...Brad...18. Young and innocent...not cynical and jaded...Why am I talking this way? The one thing i don't need just now is to get hooked up, right?
6 February 1985:
Secret Garden. Pete was there. His first words were "I got your letter." Then he started telling me that I'm going to move in with him. I was unprepared; even if he'd gotten the letter, I was expecting him to clam up about it...I wasn't sure how to read. But he was still cruising other guys...strangely, the whole evening was pleasant, if still ambiguous. I was dying for him to ask me home. He didn't...On the way home, we were pulled. Missed a DUI by a hair.
7 February 1985:
First date with Brad: We went to dinner and then we drove around and talked. we parked at UNCG and talked. I dropped him off at his dorm. That was it. I didn't want it to be any more...
"We've spent hours just talking. How platonic."
"We'll work on the rest tomorrow night."...
As for Pete, we're getting long better than ever now...It feels so much better...He's a friend now. The ambiguity is gone...After six months of hell, one harsh move I should have made months ago has more or less cleaned up my life.
8 February 1985:
Things got past platonic last night.
9 February 1985:
For the first time in any relationship I've ever had, I feel like I know where I stand...He's just all into this thing and seeing us as the "perfect couple"...Duncan and I had lunch today and a long talk...Brad's leaving for Raleigh tonight. This should be a good chance for us to catch our breath. (Intense...fast-moving...can you spell "rebound"?)
10 February 1985:
As we were sitting around Duncan's house about 11, the phone rang...I was doing the airwaves by 11:20. About 1:45, the doorbell rang...Pete...Duncan mentioned "Baby Doll" as I as leaving the room, and Pete's reaction was really sort of strange and quiet...Duncan said later that he read it as strange too. All of Pete's reactions to Brad have been strange.
11 February 1985:
Brad...I'm having doubts about the whole thing. It isn't as great and wonderful as I want it to be or as perfect as Brad thinks it is. I'm bothered by my attitude about the whole thing. Here I've got something good and I'm not even close to satisfied...He's falling in love and falling quite fiercely. I see the signs and he's saying more heavy things. Each word he says scares me a little more...I'm leading Brad on. Awful thing to do. I'm enjoying the fact that we're having this affair, but I'm not enjoying the affair.
13 February 1985:
On the way out of Brad's dorm tonight, I ran into Peter and Steve. They're rooming together on campus...Steve invited me to come over more often because we "never talk to each other anymore".
18 February 1985:
Brad wanted to dance, asked me if it was OK, and went ahead..They seemingly got chummier and chummier. It started to seem he was paying more attention to him than to me...Then, the two of them disappeared to the dance floor with no notice and were gone for half an hour...I got a bit pissed and decided to enjoy myself on my own. I wasn't really jealous, I just thought the whole thing was a little rude...During all this, Sarah was tearfully kissing off Elmo...and Les had to fucking play "Borderline"...
Stan said "rebounds usually don't work." I wanted so much to believe that I wasn't doing a rebound, that I was really over Pete and I was moving on. Wrong.
19 February 1985:
I couldn't describe my visit to Pete's house as pleasant...It was as if we were completely unable to open up and be ourselves around each other...When I left, I was about to be a mess. I didn't want to bring up Brad. Pete still refers to him as "whats-his-name" and doesn't react much when I mention him.
24 February 1985:
Pete visited Duncan today...Some interesting conversation ensued. At one point, according to Duncan, Pete stated that we'd spent a lot of time together recently and that he wasn't sure he liked me as much as he used to. This I took as a slap in the face given that HE has sought ME out every day this week...The subject of Brad came up and Duncan said Pete almost gloatingly told him I was having problems...I just have trouble believing this whole thing came out of nowhere. Perhaps it's just that I don't want to believe it.
26 February 1985:
As of about 6:00 tonight, I became officially available again.