Journals : 1984 : Part 5
The Soundtrack:
Smiths, Bronski Beat, Joel Dolby, Cyndi Lauper, Ultravox, REM, Dead or Alive, Stranglers, Howard Jones,Talk Talk, Bangles, Fashion.
1 November 1984:
I've almost completely decided that continuing in school is out of the question for right now, so what the fuck am I going to do? I talked to Pete about it tonight. He got serious and tried to convince me not to make his mistake and quit school...Lest I seem depressed about this whole thing, I'm really not. I just don't care anymore. I want to get by from day to day and I don't really want to deal with the idea of a future....This is a bit scary -- the fact that my shitty station in life doesn't bother me at all...I feel like I'm about to dive into institutionalized nothingness and I feel like I don't really care.
5 November 1984:
Cyndi Lauper in Durham: Great show. We did Power Company afterwards...Pete went off dancing with Jeff's beloved Art, causing some tension which more or less died down on the way home. Pete was getting along very well with Art...hope it doesn't cause any problems...
What has happened to me? I've sunk into nothingness. I'm about to be an unemployed college dropout...All I seem to want to do is have a good time, and I'm not even doing a good job of that...
The hostility...is beginning to emerge...Granted, Pete has changed a lot in the last couple of months. The characteristics I used to love are starting to disappear: he's into drugs now, he's not as serious and introspective, and -- most of all -- he's not as dependent on me. He doesn't need me the way he used to...I know, of course, that I can never really have him like I want him. As we were walking into the theater, he offered me popcorn saying "what's mine is yours...except for my...". The way he said it -- as a joke -- made me realize later that he's never had any idea how I feel about him...and that he probably has never experienced any real feelings for me either...I've wasted so fucking much time and I've gotten my life so incredibly screwed up...Why do I keep doing this to myself? Why don't I ever learn?...
Where is my life going?...I'm so scared I don't know what to do...Time is closing in on me.
6 November 1984:
Concluding a most depressing election night, spent at home nervously watching the returns on TV...Suffice it to say things look pretty damned scary right ow. I'm going to bed...
7 November 1984:
I didn't go to the one class I'm still going to today. I'm sitting at home having just eaten lunch with "Bewitched" and "My Favorite Martian".
15 November 1984:
Employment...Brendle's...40 hours a week. Temporary through Christmas...
As for Pete, he's really going to Winston to live under Tammy (so to speak). He's almost moved in already. I haven't spent any real time with him in ten days...I hate to lose him completely but I feel it happening...But seeing him today after all that absence has made me realize that I'm getting over him, I think.
20 November 1984:
Party at Hell House: Enjoyable...I actually spent most of the night talking to Eddie...Around 12 or so, everyone left for the bar. I had a grand total of 85 cents in my pocket, so obviously I didn't go. Jeff wanted me to wait for them at the house, so I agreed. This left me alone at the house with Eddie...I'm quite relieved that "it" didn't happen...After Eddie went to bed, about 15 minutes after everyone left, I basically has Hell House to myself. It was such a bizarre situation...
Then came today. Duncan, Sarah, and Scott were out at the bar last night. According to Duncan, he ran into Pete. Their conversation went something like this:
"I guess David's kind of pissed off 'cause I haven't talked to him lately."
"I don't know. I asked him the other day if he'd heard from you and he said no" (Insert sullen gesture.)
"He didn't say it just like that did he?"
"Yeah...pretty much."
...I've changed lately. I've gotten sleazy and (in Sarah's words) more "queenie"...I'm a bit preoccupied with sex. I'm horny as a dog...but I think I've also developed this condition as a temporary reaction to...Pete...It's been a really bad year for me and seemingly for most of my friends. Sarah and I discussed it tonight; it almost seems we've gotten a larger dose of it than the rest., and in the process we seem to have developed a certain closeness. (Sarah's sleeping in Seattle, as of 1995...)
21 November 1984:
My days are becoming ruts. I get up about 10:30 or 11, and get ready to leave, lest I be caught at home when I'm supposed to be in class. I drive around, not doing anything, wasting gas for an hour or so, eat lunch with "Bewitched" and go to work. And God do I feel lonely. Pete hasn't tried to get in contact. I guess he's too busy in Winston being slung up with Tammy and all....I'm pissed off and hurt but I want him back, even though I realize I'm probably better without him around.
29 November 1984:
My mom knows about my disconnection from the Music 106 now. I'd noticed her acting a bit worried and on Sunday she told me not to feel bad if I had to go into my savings due to money problems. I told her the story, easing her mind somewhat. I think she'd been really worried; she asked me if I was still in school. I lied. I'm not going to any classes anymore...
About Pete: I had a king-size mad going. He called me up and invited me over to the house in Winston. Wasn't there when I showed up. Left a note:
"I was here. I was alone. I went home. Great visit though. Your directions worked. We'll have to do it again sometime. G'night."
Who comes knocking at my front door Wednesday afternoon at 12:30? And was I able to see him...and still remain mad? Of course not. All was forgiven thirty seconds after I opened the door...When he said it hurt him to read the words on the note, I almost cried...As the night passed, I kept apologizing for seeming like an asshole and he kept saying i was justified. I told him he was the one person I could never possibly stay mad at...and that I had really missed him...Now I'm kind of down again. I thought I was in the process of getting over him. I now realize that I'm not.
6 December 1984:
I think I have returned from the land of the walking zombies -- finally. Jeff has helped immensely...We went to Harry's...Sometime during this period, I spilled my guts about Eddie...Real real fun. And I noticed that Jeff was the only one of the bunch who'd stayed coo,to me throughout the whole thing. This taken care of, I spilled about Pete. He acted as if he'd sort of known how I felt and he restated his position that he was never sure whether Pete was as "uninterested" as I thought...
Last night in Winston...sex with a boy named Leslie in a car on a dirt road...What (of course) happened since it had been raining all day?...Back to the bar and this beautiful boy I'd been staring at earlier came up and talked to me...two in one night!...Really and truly, the last two nights are the first ones I've really enjoyed in so long.
11 December 1984:
Pete came by this afternoon...He's had it with Winston. His first words upon coming to the door were "Do you want to find a place and move out?"...I'll always love him. I think I've finally managed to pass that obsessive point. I hope it doesn't return when he comes back. I have a frightening feeling that it might...In a certain way, I hope he manages to get things worked out and stay over there...Since he left, I've finally started putting my life back in order.
17 December 1984:
Pete's back in town now and we're spending more time together than ever before...It's been unusual having him back. Tense for me...I think I almost managed to force him out of my mind...Or maybe just to a back corner...but I'm not nearly as obsessive and tortured as I was...although I knew last night that I still want him badly. i was getting strange messages from him too. I really think we could've fucked last night if I'd pushed...Why is it so complicated? With Jeff, we're just good friends and it's all fun...But it's more with Pete. It's too real.
23 December 1984:
What a fool I am. I had an invitation -- yes, an invitation -- to spend the night with Pete. He really wanted me to. He even tried to convince me. Of course, the stated purpose was for sleep, but I'm sure I was reading him right tonight. I know it. And I went home. Shit. I may have blown my last real opportunity...
Pete was on the air 11-2 and I stayed with him. I was sort of unhappy being at the station. I began pondering that many of 1984's bad times could in some manner be traced to the Music 106. Where I had fond memories of Elliott Center, my memories of the new studios are almost all bad. Pete and I were so close tonight; it's been this way ever since he got back...And I think I'm going off the deep end even further this time....I think he's the one romance which may last a lifetime...
I wonder what might have happened if we'd gotten together a year ago. Would we be friends bow? Would we still be slung up? How drastically different would my life have been right now?...But none of these things really matter...I feel the total fool for not pushing tonight. I feel the total fool for not pushing for the past year.
26 December 1984:
I found out that I'm basically unemployed as of 6:00 Monday evening...Christmas night with the family. Dad didn't go...No singing this year either...
I'm mailing out my New Years cards tomorrow. I'm looking forward to New Years; it will mean that 1984 is over. I'll somehow be most relieved.
30 December 1984:
Pete and I seem to be developing a new and incredibly wonderful closeness which rivals even that which we experienced this summer...He keeps inviting me to spend the night. Tonight I almost did but my better judgment told me not to...We ended up, falling asleep. I left, almost under protest, about 3...For some reason, it seems inevitable that we're at least going to fuck around a little bit at some point.
31 December 1984:
I don't care to remember anymore. I see 1984 as sort of a wasted year with only a few bright moments, most of which involved Eddie, Pete, Duncan, or Jeff....
School ended for me, at least temporarily.
Home became a different place. Entirely. Completely...
I conclude 1984 in love with Pete. Badly. But realizing the inevitable -- a life of friendship is all we'll ever have...
I conclude 1984 uncertain about the future -- moreso than ever before. What does 1985 hold?...
I conclude 1984.