Journals : 1984
Introduction:
1984 was a year of major mistakes, both in my "professional" and personal life. It was the year I discovered both how prone to depression I can be and how damned whiny I could be about it. It's a very painful year to re-live, but after all this time, I think I've more or less made peace with 1984. probably the worst single year of my life. Definitely the most wasted one...
Editorial comments in yellow.
SOME NAMES HAVE BEEN CHANGED.
The Soundtrack:
Oingo Boingo, Big Country, Joel Dolby, Cyndi Lauper, Shannon, Violent Femmes, Tracy Ullman, Teena Marie, Prince, Jason and the Scorchers, Frankie Goes to Hollywood
4 January 1984:
I'm horny. It's been nearly two months since I've really had sex. That's not my style...I don't know what the problem is...Back to school in a week. I'm just not ready for the stress to come back, dammit. This vacation has been tremendously good for me. I'm not ready to get back into a rut...The Music 106 will get along with less of me; I've been wasting a lot of time up there anyway. I'll put in less time and get more done. Sure I will. Right.
8 January 1984:
Pete. What a really nice guy. We actually had a good long conversation last night...He actually opened up a bit, in a way he never has before with me. I noticed what a real loner he is...It was really great actually getting to talk to him; he'd always seemed so reserved in the past...Last night I told Jeff I was having a hard time dealing with being unattached, and he recommended I keep making the effort with Pete...
I'm segregating. It's obvious. I'm dividing my friends into two neat little groups based on sexual preference...and I'm letting sexuality rule my life and my thoughts (and my writings). I'm very much a victim of socialization...My peer group at any given time greatly influences, or even dominates, not only my external habits, but my internal perspectives...I'm simply not my own person. I'm becoming extremely shallow.
22 January 1984:
Bentley's party last night...I was trashed...Bentley danced on the table nude. Bruce went home with a friend of Bentley's. I got groped several times
24 January 1984:
I feel sorry for David. He seems to have lost much of his drive. He's pretty much convinced now that he won't be station manager next year due to his grades. So who will? Everyone seems to think I will. It's not all that certain...I need to leave Greensboro.
29 January 1984:
It was basically an evening which wasn't going the way I wanted it to...I really felt bad most of the night (and quite a bit lonely). Everyone I'd been entangled with -- or thought about being entangled with -- was there...with someone else...I guess one never knows how depressed one is until extremely drunk.
30 January 1984:
A general underlying boredom and depression...I feel like I'm stagnating. I'm starting to lose interest in a lot of things (being Music Director, for example. I still love being on the air, however.)...I feel so uncmpfotable and so restless. I feel like life is passing me by. My heart isn't really in anything...I made a solid decision today...I'm going to run away...probably to Chapel Hill.
2 February 1984:
The new WUAG studios are progressing. We're planning to do our first show from the new control room on 25 February.
4 February 1984:
Light mall-cruising...Larry...engaged...he became the first in my life to successfully open two new doors in my sexuality: my bedroom at home and my ass...Actually the bed lost it to Barry and Helen a long time ago but that doesn't count...
The show tonight was excellent...Pete called about 11:30 saying he was with some guy named Eddie...Little did I know who this guy named Eddie would turn out to be. I didn't recognize him at first but there was some sort of eerie familiar quality about him which quite honestly made me feel as if I'd been to bed with him. I was right. After they'd been around about 15 minutes, Eddie mentioned that he'd worked at WQFS...Boom. Memories of a "date" which ironically had been one year and one day before...Memories of last year's house-sitting at Grandmother's.
5 February 1984:
Last night, it turns out, Eddie had recognized me from the start...He lives with Marilyn Rivers...they were living together last year...Might get a bit more yet...I almost convinced myself not to go out. I'm glad I didn't.
7 February 1984:
Why can't a fuck be a fuck, a night a night, and a group a group? Why must everything be a story? I'm writing myself into a fucking soap opera...
What I wouldn't give for a regular weekday afternoon off. To go home after my classes. What a great feeling...Last night: three hour Senate meeting. The only good points were the tacky, kinky notes Bentley and I passed.
9 February 1984:
Eddie came by to visit this afternoon. I could get hung up on him real easily...I sense he's interested in something further but I'm not really certain what...I particularly like his "coolness" -- a certain laid-back :cut the bullshit" cynicism...We have radio and music backgrounds in common, and we know a lot of the same people.
10 February 1984:
Chapel Hill still looks good as an alternative to Greensboro...I also need to...send off that application. I think I'm really gonna do it this time
11 February 1984:
Eddie offered me his extra ticket to the Police concert...I got to the house about 7, right as Jeff pulled up...I knew how the night would end up early on...He'd pretty much made it clear that we'd get back together yesterday. I was ready for it when we went back to my office after the show. It was fantastic. Better than before...
Afterwards, when we got back to the house close to 1AM, I'm certain Jeff and Todd were suspicious. Jeff had to be; he probably wondered how Eddie and I knew each other so well to begin with, and also why I was going to the concert...I'd hate for Joel (a/k/a Marilyn) to find out.
14 February 1984:
Valentine's Day just began and I'm in a daze...I think I've really fallen this time...This thing is getting too heavy and it's dangerous in a way...Ways that we can get together and see each other are some of our main topics of conversation...Joel is bound to find out, or at least get suspicious...Todd has already gotten ideas. After I left Friday, Todd's first words were "Did you and David go out and have sex?" Eddie, of course, said no...
As for the station, even David asked me not to transfer tonight, saying -- of all things -- he was looking for someone to take over his job.
18 February 1984 (House-sitting at Grandmother's):
Eddie came over about 7:30 and we fucked -- with a few breaks -- until about 1:30 in the morning...If he comes tonight, it may well be fairly late. Jeff and Joel and Todd go out late...The tension gets me slightly crazy...All the things he told me last night: I was the only person he'd pursued for more than a one-night stand since he met Joel. He wasn't going to let me go to Chapel Hill...I'll give him until 11 to make some sort of contact...it would still leave me enough time to go out without being too conspicuous. (He showed...finally...)
21 February 1984:
How interesting it is being "the other man"...But where can it lead? He's not real likely to leave Joel...I could never expect him to be faithful to me. But it just feels so great when we're together and I get dazed just thinking about him...
Onward. I'm at the top of my class in Sociology...The SG election campaigns end tonight...Wendell's campaign people are running a very dirty campaign.
22 February 1984:
Diana says she sees the tell-tale signs that I'm falling madly in love.
27 February 1984:
I'm always wondering how long it will take him to get bored with me. But I don't want out. The tables are really turned this time. It's likely that I'll be the one who gets hurt in the end.
5 March 1984:
I suppose I always knew I'd never move to Chapel Hill..Application deadline was four days ago. I still haven't sent it in.I'm relatively certain that I never will... (1984's "tremendous mistake number one", perhaps the biggest mistake I had made in my life up to this point...)
The ever-present Diana...she came by the station Friday night wit the understanding that her stay would be brief. I wanted to see Eddie alone. She ended up drinking with us afterward...Saturday was even worse. Eddie and I tried to get alone just for a few minutes in the staff lounge. She came in saying it wasn't just OUR staff lounge. She joined us for lunch and spent the afternoon at the house (at a time when Eddie and I could've been alone). She came to the bar with me and by 12:15 started to cry and begged me to take her home. After our "afternoon for three" she told me she didn't care if I'd wanted to be alone with Eddie; she was bored and had a right to come...
Broadcast functions of the Music 106 moved to Taylor Theater on Saturday...The facilities are flawless. The atmosphere is still a bit mechanical and empty. Maybe it's too nice...Our new "bridge of the Enterprise" studios will never have the charm of our old broken-down home...
Pete is about to move into "hell house" with Joel and Eddie.
10 March 1984:
He's becoming the primary focus in my life. Everything I do is centering around him. He's almost becoming too important for me...And I'm afraid to show him how I really feel...afraid of scaring him, I suppose...This afternoon we were talking about Chapel Hill, and he got very serious and asked me if he could convince me to stay if he tried. I told him that he probably could. I don't really know how to read that question or his reaction to my answer...
If I am to stay at UNCG next year, I think I want to become relatively uninvolved. I've done too much too early.
12 March 1984:
It's a strange thing, listening to the Music 106 here in Elliott Center and realizing it's not coming from next door....Senate Tuesday night. I'm not up to it.
15 March 1984:
Statistics test just returned. The one from three weeks ago. the one that left me in a daze for thirty minutes afterward. the one that showed me just how ignorant I could be. I'd expected a 30. Got a 72. Happiest moment of my day so far.
16 March 1984:
Eddie ran into Pete and Todd at Fast Fare on the way home.Todd asked why he wasn't in class; Eddie told him it was canceled. Todd's reply: "Why aren't you out trying to find David?"...
As for the test I missed Tuesday, I can make it up at my convenience by picking up a copy from the Psychology secretary and taking it in the department library. How great is that?
21 March 1984:
After some serious excuse-making, I left the station and went over to the house. Who should walk up behind me as I'm going in but Pete...When I went to the bathroom, Pete offered to leave so Eddie and I "could fuck." He knows what's going on...
22 March 1984:
Eddie did come by this afternoon, his visit confounded (at least in my perception) by the omnipotence of the rest of WUAG...He said we might have to move Saturday night plans to Saturday afternoon. Things are looking "suspicious". Too many "comments have been made"...I'm not particularly happy with the way things are right now...I'm not particularly jealous of Joel...I think the real problem is that I feel somehow cheated because Eddie isn't -- or doesn't really seem to be -- as involved in this involvement as I am. I'm certain he's not going crazy or getting moody over me. I don't think he's changing his lifestyle to hang around and wait for me...I should get out of it, I know, but I can't bring myself to make such a "drastic" move.
24 March 1984:
He didn't call me today...he was supposed to get in touch...I almost wonder if he cares where I'll be this weekend. Wish he had a phone...
27 March 1984:
The weekend had now been complete for close to two days. I didn't hear from Eddie. Not once. I suppose it may be time to deal with the fact that things are finally over between us...The really unsettling thing is that I'm ready to go back to him and wouldn't hesitate if he called...
Onward and upward. I'm running for station manager next year, yielding to popular pressure. I'll win; there's no trick to it this year. But what will happen when I do? (1984's "tremendous mistake number two"...)
Pete called tonight during the show...to inform me that he'll be moving tonight as soon as his parents are asleep...It's really a pile of shit that it has to be this way for him...I don't know. It's just been a strange day.
29 March 1984:
I won...I inherit the office and the headaches. Obviously, my emotions are mixed.