Journals : 1984 : Part 2

The Soundtrack:

Violent Femmes, Tina Turner, Specials, Joel Dolby, Tracy Ullman, Prince, O-Boy, Talk Talk, Cyndi Lauper, Othermothers, REM, Smiths, New Model Army, Go Gos, Blancmange.

2 April 1984:

I'm not in office yet as station manager and I already don't like the job. I may be the first person to resign before taking office...I'm sorry I ever let myself get talked into this decision...We went to Raleigh for Joel Dolby tickets...

4 April 1984:

G----n and I had an extremely interesting conversation today. I'm starting to like him as a generally sane human being...Somehow the subject led to fairly thinly-disguised advances by friends...

"He had his hands in my pants. I told him to make up his mind and either do something or chicken out. He chickened out."

"What would you have done if he'd kept going?"

"I would've sat back and ignored it. I've been to bed with men before...The psychologist I was going to told me he thought anyone who doesn't have some sexual experience with a man before he was 20 years old would probably end up with sexual problems later on, so I went out and had an affair with my best friend."...

To be honest I'd like to go to bed with him just once, for the hell of it. He'd probably be open to the idea. He's actually left the possibility open, if only slightly...But I'm not going to bother if all he plans to do is "sit back and ignore it".

5 April 1984:

Stan's right. It's fucking with my mind. I keep trying to convince myself that one day I'll win and have Eddie to myself, and deep down I know it'll never happen. Meanwhile, I'm torturing myself.

9 April 1984:

I feel as if I could turn into such a whore with G----n in particular...On Friday afternoon, we were alone in the office, I was in my chair and he was on the couch. He told me I could come over to the couch if I wanted. I basically ended up lying on top of him for about half an hour. We hugged and we were getting close. We joked a bit and he kept telling me, seriously, how comfortable he was...I feel as if I'm willing to try anything...I'm pushing hard on David right now, and I believe I could be making some headway...I know it's...a reaction to not being able to have Eddie in the way I want...

I don't feel as badly about considering Pete since we may have been on the verger of something for quite a while anyway -- if the opinions of significant others are indicative. But with G----n, there's so much adventure involved. When I first saw him...I was awe-struck...

I'm becoming so cynical and jaded...Others are noticing too.

10 April 1984:

 

Frankly, it scares the hell out of me that someone can so totally control my emotions...It's having strikingly bizarre effects on my behavior. I feel so out of control...Duncan's the one who's going through this thing with me. He's heard it all, and he's been there when I've needed him. He's put up with all my moodiness and my emotional quirks and he's turned out to be a pretty good friend.

11 April 1984:

No call from Eddie...Surprise!...David and I had our conference at Grandmother's house tonight, and some amazing things "came out", as it were:

"I'll tell you the truth. I'm bisexual."

"Where do you put yourself on the Kinsey scale?"

"I'm a four or a five."

"You know which end you just put yourself at don't you?"

"Yeah."

He proceeded to give me the dirt on who he's been to bed with, who he wanted to go to bed with...he's getting more than his share. The TKE's are a notoriously gay bunch...I didn't hit on him but I did mention that "at least all the times I've hit on you weren't in vain. I should be hurt".

"No you shouldn't. I didn't feel right about it because of business."

Maybe now that our business association is complete?

15 April 1984:

G----n and I decided to go see a movie or something that night...On the way back to school who should we see but Eddie and Pete. Wonderful. They invited us over to the house...About 11:30, the crowd left. Eddie, G----n, and me alone on the couch. We watched HBO. G----n put his legs across Eddie and me. Eddie played around with him a little, more or less fucking with his mind, while he was also holding me too...

Today we started sorting records at the station: Eddie, G----n, Duncan, and me. We went out for lunch about 3. Since Duncan and I still "had to work", neither of us got invited along when Eddie and G----n went out to a movie...As the evening progressed...Eddie called. His car had been towed...I went to pick up the merry bunch. They were already high and they'd skipped the movie...I didn't like the whole situation and I feel like I might have been a little bit cold to them. G----n was extremely quiet.

16 April 1984:

The current rumor, according to G----n, is that Joel has the idea in his head that Pete and I should get together (and that we both want to). Actually, it might not be such a bad idea.

25 April 1984:

I honestly feel that I could feel much better about life if I could get the two things which cause me the most grief out of my life: the station and Eddie. Unfortunately, these are also the two things which bring me the most pleasure....Does Eddie know what love is? Does he feel it for Joel? Does he feel it for me?...Further, do I even know what love is?...If I allow myself, I could come out of this thing feeling extremely cynical. I don't wish for this to become a lifelong character trait. (Too late...)

26 April 1984:

 

I think Duncan's beginning to understand my problems more plainly than anyone else and to realize how bad I'm feeling right now.If nothing more, at least he's more sympathetic: "I think you've fallen in love with Eddie, and you've fallen real hard. And I think that worries me."

Eddie came by before my show Thursday...G----n showed up. They retreated to my office and listened to music...That night...I met Eddie, G----n, and Brandon coming out of Strong Dorm...It's seeming as if there's much more time in Eddie's life for G----n than for me lately...Friday I went to Hanes Mall...cute boy, 20...Probably shouldn't have...

Tuesday. Joel Dolby...Jeff met a boy named Art at CC's.

27 April 1984:

As I go to sleep tonight, I will be enjoying that feeling I have not experienced in so very long. For months I have been deprived...This is a personal thing, one which I always experience alone. Not since October or November have I been able to (get this) sleep with my windows open...

Eddie told me today he was fairly certain I'd wind up in bed with G----n. His reasoning: "Because you're not pursuing him, but you're a good friend. One night it will just happen. Very casually."

1 May 1984:

 

Final playlist. Heavy rotation:

Berlin, Josie Cotton, Darque, Joel Dolby, INXS, Howard Jones, Sherry Kean, Anabelle Lamb, M+M, Madness, Mapping the World, Missing Persons, Modern English, New Math, The Rescue, Style Council, REM, Tracy Ullman.

3 May 1984:

I suppose I'm quite official now. I've sent out my first memo as General Manager of WUAG. I'm starting this phase of my life with a clean slate; I am currently at one of those rare periods of my life where all three of my most habitable spaces are clean: my room, my office, and my car...Joel has asked Pete to move out by Friday: "too little money and too much attitude"...Steve, Tim's friend, may be developing a slight thing for me...He's a nice guy and I like him a friend, but I have no need or desire for a sexual (or romantic) entanglement. Period. (Except with Eddie, of course, and maybe with Pete, as frightening as that may sound.)

5 May 1984:

The first exam was today...I should be ashamed of the way I let things go this semester, and of all the things I just didn't do, and especially of the half-assed effort I put in. I didn't go to classes, I didn't study, I didn't turn in assignments, and I basically just didn't give a damn...It's quite honest what happened to me. I got lazy and decided to have too much fun. I also have had my head buried up my ass for the last three months due to Eddie...I can only hope to clear my head over the summer and get everything together in the fall.

10 May 1984:

I went upto EUC to see David tonight. Strangely enough, we're getting along very well now that we're no longer working together. we've seen quite a bit of each other in the last couple of days, and I'm determined to get in the sack very soon...I gave him a back rub, which was quite enjoyable, especially after I got him to take his shirt off. We were getting pretty close...I almost went home with him...He's been saying too much and being too friendly as well a s allowing me too much rope lately...I know he's horny; he can't use his right hand and he actually mentioned to me how inadequate his left hand is for certain purposes...

G----n left for two months in Korea today.

12 May 1984:

It was Pete that I really saw at the bar. All night long we were together. I enjoyed the evening more than I've enjoyed any in a long time...Most of the evening we were alone together...We sat outside and talked several times...it was the first time I'd spent so much time with him without anyone else around...I felt more like a friend who could become more than a friend. We left together (I was prepared for quite some number of rumors...) and went to Burger King.

Tonight, Pete called about 11:30 saying he wouldn't be able to make it by. I was a bit let down...My show progressed to a certain degree. It was above average,as it often is when I'm in one of my mods...At 1:45, a ringing phone.

"How about running out and opening the side door in about 30 seconds?"

Eddie. Finally some contact. Alone...We retired to my old couch in my new office. Room 27 Taylor Building was about to lose its virginity. Finally...It was close to our three-month anniversary (a fact he mentioned, not me) and we celebrated...

There's a bit of conflict in mind about Pete...I can see pursuing him right now, but for the first time I'm worried Eddie might be jealous. For some really strange reason, I sensed something different in Eddie...

14 May 1984:

Seeing Sybil was strange, as it has been for the past year. There's a wall between us...She's so polite, as if we were strangers who happen to know each other...and she seems frightened by me for some reason. She's not as playful and open...I had a similar problem with Carroll yesterday. I seem so completely shut out of her life, as I do with all the people I used to see so often and spend so much time with. It isn't the same anymore. We're not comfortable with each other.

15 May 1984:

I think my unconscious has decided for me that I would like to see more of Pete...My main focus is on a big trip out of this city, most likely to Atlanta.

17 May 1984:

Pete and I went to Baity's Tuesday night...Enlightening and entertaining...Joel and Eddie apparently fight an awful lot...It was stated to Pete at the beginning that theirs was a "marriage if convenience"...Eddie somehow never felt the need to tell me this...Pete knows something's going on between Eddie and me...I also dropped a few hints that I'm not too thrilled about the way things are going right now...

About 11:30 this morning, the doorbell rang...Eddie..."Can I ask you a question? Have you and Pete "done it'?"...I assured him that the only encounter Pete and I had Thursday was with the drive-thru at Burger King. I almost think he was worried. Earlier, when I told him I'd been out until almost 3, he looked shocked and asked where I'd been. And later when I mentioned we'd left Baity's at 12, he again asked what I'd been upto until 3. That's the first time I ever remember him showing any real jealous traits...

Duncan, I think, is watching this whole thing with some immense degree of amusement.

20 May 1984:

Grand opening of Fender's...Drama...Joel is under the impression that I don't like him...Eddie said they were throwing a party next weekend and Joel had okayed my invitation...Pete and I walked outside for a minute and ended up driving to Bojangle's...I think I could have Pete with a minimum of effort...When we returned,Jeff's reaction made me certain that his current impression of what's going on between us had just been strengthened...

Eddie promised to call me this morning at 11:30. No word whatsoever...At noon, I got a call from the station. Meral hadn't shown up.I was already in a foul mood...Temper tantrum developing. Then, Tim called to back out of his how. Temper tantrum complete. I began throwing things...I'd planned to do some working the yard, but didn't because I was waiting for a call from the station. I figured it could wait until tomorrow. Apparently my dad disagreed; he began working on it himself and gave me this sort of shitty look...After all the day's activity, I broke down and cried major tears on the way to the station...When I went inside, Duncan summoned me into his office to ask me about last night. He told me it was obvious I'd been crying and I proved him right by breaking down again. First time I'd cried in front of someone in years...these were heavy-duty sobs and everything. Scary...I wondered if I might be going off the deep end.

22 May 1984:

The Violent Femmes live in concert at the Cat's Cradle in Chapel Hill...I went with Pete, and only Pete...I'm sure Eddie will be upset,but he didn't make any effort to get in touch with me or Pete either...Pete hit one aspect of life at "hell house" right tonight: "Don't you always feel uncomfortable and paranoid when you leave there? I do." It's not just me...that house gives other people the creeps too.

25 May 1984:

Eddie called me from the station around noon to inform me that he'd gotten an air shift on the Music 106...Duncan, Meral, and I went out to the bar tonight. I hadn't been out in about three weeks and I realized that I hadn't missed it.

26 May 1984:

Eddie and I were talking about gossip.

"If I told all I know, I could write a book," Eddie said.

"Remember, I already did," I replied.

"Yeah, and if it's ever published, I'll kill you because I'm sure my name is in there."

(Come and get me, you slimy motherfucker...)

27 May 1984:

After tonight, though I'm not sure why, the thought of having a fling (or more) with Pete seems very appealing. Something strange was happening to me all night long, and whatever it was seemed to create a distance between Eddie and me....I've got to dump him. It will probably be difficult...He knows he has control of the situation. He knows I'm hooked and he's the kind of guy who will take advantage of the situation...It's definitely time to plan a vacation. Pete has said that he'd like to join me...I'd like to be stuck in a motel room with Pete.