Journals : 1983
Introduction:
Reading back, it seems I never took any classes or learned anything of note while I was at UNCG the first time (or at least never wrote about it). Nevertheless, I did mange to keep a pretty good average. The big action was outside the classroom.
Editorial comments from the present continue (surprise) to be in grey.
SOME NAMES HAVE BEEN CHANGED!!
Soundtrack:
Lords of the New Church, REM, Bauhaus, Tears for Fears, Fear, Vandals, Social Distortion, The Fixx, Bloodrock, Sex Pistols
1 January 1983:
I left the house with such hope and anticipation...Of all the fears I had, none could have been farther from what actually happened. He didn't answer the damned door. The lights were on and I really think he was home, but he didn't answer the door...Was he gone? Didn't he hear me? Was there some reason he didn't answer?...I left...I went back one to try one last time and at least to leave a note...I headed for Meral's apartment where Carroll and Byron and Susan were...For the first time in recent memory, I didn't feel right, rather uncomfortable with my best friends. And I can't figure out why.
5 January 1983:
Coming out to my parents? Life could conceivably become hellish. I don't know what they could do in the way of restrictions, but they might be prone to try reading something into every move I make...And what if they tried to get "help" to "cure" me?...An unusual experience this morning: If I'm not completely mistaken, I heard my dad actually suggest I become a writer...I really wonder sometimes just what he thinks of me...Maybe he sees that I'm destined to lead something other than the average typical life, and perhaps he worries...My parents have always been better than most about not planning my life and career for me.
6 January 1983:
Fred: In a final effort, I drove back to his place. Light on...This time, over loud music, he answered the door. He seemed glad enough to see me. Explanations about New Years Eve. He'd gotten stranded in Reidsville. Wasn't sure I was serious about coming up. Long deep conversation. Topics: drugs, journals, high school years, and love. He didn't make a move...We have a lunch date tomorrow.
7 January 1983:
Very nice lunch at the SG Bar and Grill...First show at WQFS Monday at 6.
12 January 1983:
I feel really hellish...I'm certain that part of the problem stems from the fact that I spend too much time around this damned third floor of Elliott Center. I'm always here: WUAG, Student Government, Kopy Kwik.
13 January 1983:
If tonight is any indication, Fred no longer feels any particular interest. When I went by tonight...he was one shade away from cold; he just wasn't paying any attention to me...I had another nice evening with Susan last night...A drive around the city with a friend always produces feelings of relief in me. And it is on these drives that the best communication ensues...We both feel this strong need to get away from WUAG and Elliott Center in particular, but we keep being drawn toward it.
17 January 1983:
The tension was so thick between Risa and me in the car tonight...I believe she's really starting to resent me. She now knows I'm taking over Kopy Kwik...When we walked past Valentine's candy, I started kidding around...I said I didn't know who my Valentine would be. Risa came back with "I can just bet." When she said it, she looked at me like she hated me. And the way she said it. There was total anger...in her voice...
Debut tonight. WQFS...Tonight I had the nerve to play Tom Robinson's "Glad to Be Gay" at a time when I knew my parents might well be listening...By the way, my "nom de radio" at WQFS is "The Defector".
Ken has moved back to Florida.
20 January 1983:
Fred is fast becoming nonexistent in my life.
29 January 1983:
Party tonight: the first ever "Sybil Turns 23" bash...I was all alone there tonight...I was shrinking into a corner there tonight -- literally. I didn't want to be there...I finally got outside with Carroll and felt a sense of normalcy in the universe...I was tired of SG, I was tired of everything...Carroll stated it; I knew it anyway -- I'm lonely. I have piles of friends but I'm lonely. I want to sink away into my private solitary world but I want to have someone to come back to...Here it is, 10:00 on a Friday night, sitting on the front porch of an old house near UNCG, cold, and I'm starting to cry my eyes out.
1 February 1983:
House-sitting at Grandmother's. Living on my own. What a fucking thrill...I'm completely alone...I don't think I've ever had such an obsessive desire to have some male companionship.
3 February 1983:
I saw this really great-looking guy sitting outside. We looked each other over and I walked to the other restroom hoping he's follow. He did...We headed to "my place". He worked at WQFS for a year. We talked...we touched...we made love...He wanted my number. I didn't hesitate to give it to him. Unfortunately, he forgot to take it with him as he left...I t turns out he has a lover who he says he's never been faithful to...Eddie...I think he'll be a good person to know. (Read about our further adventures in 1984 and you'll be less than convinced...)
6 February 1983:
Last night was a serious drunk...with Carroll, Susan, Byron, and Chuck...
Peter: how ironic that I was thinking of him last night when all of a sudden he calls me on my show at QFS wanting to come for a visit...It just seemed a bit strange; he was the last person I'd expected to hear from. He seems to be acknowledging more readily that I'm gay now...For the first time, I felt as though I knew more about music than he did...He knows that I have a much larger sense of self-respect than I once had. He also knows, I realized tonight, that I'd been after him for some time. I don't know how he knows...but he knows. I'm glad of it. And he's taken it well...I can never go that crazy over one persona again. (Yeah, right...)
15 February 1983:
Why am I so afraid of the people I meet and know to be gay?...It just seems like sort of a clique -- one from which I'm excluded...All of a sudden I find myself in the position of being one of "the"people to know in Student Government...Those in power and those who want power seem to see me as one of the people it would be good to have on their side. I really don't think I'm that important; I certainly don't want to be...I suppose it comes from knowing the right people at the right time. This summer. a much simpler time I might add. Then I was just telling people I was gay. Now I'm having to learn how actually to be gay.
28 February 1983:
What a fantastic ego trip of an evening at WQFS...Tonight restored my faith in what college radio can be -- and still is...I was raised on WQFS. I was listening back in 1979 at age 15; I thought WQFS was the most fantastic thing I'd ever heard...Now I'm on the staff of the station...All those old names I'd remembered were still there...Now I'm really meeting them...Zoomer...told me I was doing a great show with a hell of a following...I was shocked...My favorite DJ from 1979 telling me what a great popular show I was doing...
Yeah, the final episode of MASH aired tonight...after 11 years...more than half my life.
5 March 1983:
Sure, a weekend of tasteless promiscuity, but quite frankly I enjoyed the hell out of it. Marshall...average high school redneck...17...Great...I ran into that really young guy I'd seen over the winter (23 Dec 82). Basically all we did was play with each other a while... (He'll be back...)
Richard...freshman at UNCG...looked 15...We agreed to leave. Elliott Center. Kopy Kwik...It was really intense. I felt him in ways I'd never felt a man before. He kissed me hard. His hands knew exactly where to go...He kissed me so hard and he gave me a hickey. For the first time in 18 1/2 years...I think he would have literally eaten me alive...I really felt let down afterward...We hardly talked...Little fucker. He used me.
13 March 1983:
I met a guy named Darrell who goes to State...We went to my office. The encounter was superb. The best sexual experience I've ever had. He seemed to agree...He licked my ass, and there was an effort at fucking...I never really wanted to be fucked so badly...I don't feel any real guilt about all this recreational sex. It's good for me...At least I have a place to go to now. (Darrell may, to this day, still be found cruising Elliott Center. I doubt he's still looking for me.)
20 March 1983:
I've found something I thought was too "urban" for Greensboro -- a cruising street. It's Commerce Place behind the downtown library...I drove by tonight about 12:30m and there were cars all over the place.
25 March 1983:
A general problem I seem to have is that I don't really know how to loosen up and have fun. I'm constantly looking for recreation in almost work-like activities. and perhaps this is where I derive my real enjoyment. Maybe it's good. But I don't think so. I'm too serious and people notice it...Radio? Is this my only form of relaxation?
30 March 1983:
Student Government or WUAG. I think I'll stay away this afternoon and see if it all collapses without me.