Journals : 1982 : Part 5
Soundtrack:
Translator, XTC, REM, Cheap Trick, Laurie Anderson, Rocky Horror Soundtrack, Talking Heads, Sights, Tom Robinson, Simple Minds, Joe Jackson, (English) Beat.
2 September 1982:
"We're tight", due to a common affection for the song "She's Tight" by Cheap Trick...A sort of fraternity parody, with both male and female members...
Ever since the first time I saw Chris, I've had this haunting feeling I'd met him somewhere before. (After sleuthing his last name), I thought of Debbie form McDonald's...she was always talking about her brother and one day he came in. I remember thinking he was a real doll. And I'd swear his name was Chris.
6 September 1982:
Dad: "I'd really like to see you take up golf while I'm still young enough to teach you."...If I'm not into sports (this much you'd think they'd figured out by now) why can't they just leave it be? If I haven't liked them up to now, it's highly unlikely that I'll start anytime soon.
I enjoyed talking to Carroll tonight. She's a really together person, and it's amazing to find some of the things we have in common. She has a true love of language -- like I do -- and she's a devoted journal keeper. She went through the same type of isolated teen-age years as I did.
8 September 1982:
A night to remember...the Carolina Theater reopened after a year of renovations...I'd wanted to attend this event with no one else but Chris and my plans proceeded exactly as laid out...
9 September 1982:
I don't want to be part of some "gay sub-culture". It's just this type of attitude that gays must segregate themselves...Even the word "sub-culture" has negative connotations; it seems to imply that we are somehow beneath the main "straight culture". Fuck that shit.
11 September 1982:
Kenneth is, according to Risa, "interested" in me. Risa's into part-time matchmaking as a hobby now...
13 September 1982:
I'm really starting to have second thoughts about my whole broadcasting plan...I don't really know what the problem is...I can't seem to get excited about any sort of career. No work really seems interesting to me. This feeling, I believe, stems from the phase I'm in at the moment...I'm having all the fun that I never had in high school.
14 September 1982:
I've decided definitely to go to Atlanta with Carroll and Byron. Unfortunately, Kenneth doesn't want to go. I'm not sure about him...He seems to enjoy the idea of playing around too much...On to the subject of Laird...I swear he's bi. Risa, I think, has heard things I haven't about last year. Something happened. Will it happen to me? The interest really seems to be there. He might be going to Atlanta with us.
19 September 1982:
I decided that I owed it to myself to go to Atlanta with the "Gang of Five" (Byron, Carroll, Laird, Juliette, and myself)...Picture our sleeping arrangements. We couldn't decide who should be in what bed, so we put both of them together... (L-R) Laird, Juliette, Byron, me, and Carroll)...I feel like these people are old friends...The concert was great...the Heads were fantastic...Carroll is a really great person, more serious than the rest of the group. The more I see of her and talk to he, the more I find we have in common...It was only natural that the five of us finish it up by joining forces to do my show tonight. Very strange show.
22 September 1982:
Finally Stan asked "what's your position on homosexuality?"
"Usually the bottom, " I joked. (Stan and I went on to become a really close friend and confidant who taught me many things about being gay. He was one of my hosts on my first ever visit to California in 1991, and he died of a heart attack in 2001.)
24 September 1982:
From what I'm hearing, Kenneth doesn't know what the hell he wants. One minute he's going completely crazy for me, and the next, he doesn't seem that interested.
27 September 1982:
Friday night, Risa, Sara, Kenneth, and I went to see "The Wall"...I was getting a little pissed that Kenneth hadn't paid any attention to me all night, and I was ready to go home...I'm particularly tired of the way he always complains to Risa that I leave early. What the fuck am I supposed to think? He sure as hell didn't give me the impression tat he wanted me to stay...
Today as I walked through Carolina Circle Mall...I saw Kim. She said Mandel was in the start-again-quit-again phase of high school and had moved out. (Last saw him about 1989. he didn't look like he'd gotten much farther. I do know he's been married and divorced at least once...)
3 October 1982:
It almost seems humorous now when I think of the way I beat around the bush as I told M-----d on that day in May. I've had so much practice at it now...He did one hell of a lot for me by being so great. Because of his positive reaction, I developed the courage to tell others....There are very few to whom I give my real respect. Steve is and was one even before I told him...It's amazing that as much as I truly loved P----r, I never really respected him...
I may be spreading myself too thin. I am currently on the staff of WUAG, a member of the Media Production Club, a senator (on three committees), and soon -- I hope -- an employee of someone.
4 October 1982:
Kenneth has fucked around to the point of losing his chance at me.
13 October 1982:
I'm employed at SG Kopy Kwik (though my hours are rather limited), Sybil wants to appoint me to the Media Board, and I'm falling for someone (and I think it's a reciprocal arrangement this time)...Mark has a friend over at Greensboro College by the name of Kevin. French Canadian... I spent more and more time with him...I had noticed by this time that I was really enjoying being around him...
Duncan took me into Neil's office because he wanted to apologize for being "obnoxious" Saturday night with fag jokes, etc. The way he phrased things tended to say he was gay too.
16 October 1982:
Ken: The "first date" last night: I felt like a 13-year-old kid. It was the first time I'd ever been on a real date...We talked about a lot of stuff last night: coming out, parents, his life...Then we went back to his room. I didn't know what might happen. We basically just sat around talking, getting closer and closer every minute until finally we were just lying on the bed with our arms around each other. We got in a few locked positions and did some kissing and holding and touching...but that was it...
Tonight, I followed a guy around for a while. He looked to be about 13 and he'd stared a hole in my crotch. But nothing happened and I felt like a shit afterward. That won't happen again. (Well...it did...look for this 13-year-old to re-emerge as a 16-year-old in 1985. Then it really gets interesting...)
17 October 1982:
I think I'll be moving out soon...I'm 18 years old and I still feel compelled to "check in" about everything I do...I have a good relationship with my mom and dad. I'd like to keep it that way...Coming out to Mom and Dad may come soon...I really wouldn't be surprised if she asked me soon. And in that case, I'd be honest...
Looking through old pictures from 1976: I was so insecure back then. Cancel that. I was terrified of life. The idea of going to school and being with others my age simply scared hell out of me. One time it scared me into faking an illness -- which nearly became a real one -- for over two weeks so I wouldn't have to go to school. It led, the following year, to skipping days of school and staying at home, terrified that my parents might find out...I would intentionally forget my gym clothes so I couldn't participate...It's a small wonder no one could stand to be around me in the eighth grade. I was absolutely neurotic. I actually was afraid of being in public.
22 October 1982:
Last night was the basic "romantic evening for two" as it were.
24 October 1982:
What's wrong with me? Now that I've finally got the relationship I've wanted for so long, I'm not really happy. Why can't I be satisfied?...This thing is moving too fast...I'm not sure I can be faithful to him...I'm not sure I've really gotten over P----r yet either...I'm very independent and very much a loner -- perhaps too much so to be involved in a relationship at present...
Sybil is one of the very few people I've ever really respected...She's the perfect example of what I want to be: the strong individualist with very strong convictions, who cares very deeply about others while maintaining a strong sense of self...Carroll is perhaps the most loving and likable friend I've ever had. Her mind is so wide open...that I find it impossible not to like her at all times...She's never afraid to say anything and never bothered by hearing anything. She cares, she is herself, and she gives herself...Perhaps this is why I think of her as the best friend I have ever had...
Last, on the home front. My mom knows something...Last night my dad made a fag joke...she just looked at me with that "I know what's going on" stare.
27 October 1982:
Tonight, I sensed I was in a room full of rather unfriendly figures: Jeff (fresh from our "faggot" argument the other night), Joseph, and David were there, locked into a developing clique. The only friendly presences I felt were those of Duncan, Byron, and Rick...Byron is my main ally at the station, and Duncan is a stronger one than might be imagined. Actually, I've got to stop worrying about the power structure of the station, except as it relates to my show. There's a lot of tension up there, which I don't need.
31 October 1982:
What a really great evening...Started at Sybil's apartment with Sybil, Carroll, Risa, David, and Dixie. We had a nice dinner, listened to good music (including "The Wizard of Oz") and basically had "good fellowship". About 9:15, we all headed to the Gay Students Association Halloween Party. It was really bizarre, the idea of going with three straight females, a straight male, and a gay male who likes to pretend he's straight...The party was absolutely awesome. I'm talking drool city...After the party came "The Halloween Party 106". It was a very bizarre piece of radio, to say the least...Carroll and David showed up...Carroll is the only person I know that I can really relate to. We have a special sort of relationship...I've never met anyone, at any time, with whom I could share so much love and respect, so much of my present life and past experience, and so many of my deepest thoughts...
It's just great. It was a great evening.