Journals : 1982 : Part 4
Soundtrack:
Soft Cell, Translator, XTC, Waitresses, Doors, Marshall Crenshaw, REM, Fear, Treva Spontaine, Cheap Trick, Laurie Anderson.
1 July 1982:
I have often written that true self-discovery must be made in solitude, with no outside influences. In the past few weeks, I have proven this theory. In my many hours alone, I have come to a better awareness of myself and what I like and want...I feel better about being gay than ever before because I am being more honest about it than ever before. My gayness is not the problem. What I am experiencing is universal -- isolation...It's my own fault for not doing one damned thing about it. What effort have I made? What have I done to assure myself of meeting new friends?...I need others to talk to: other people who have the same feelings and problems I have.
2 July 1982:
Tonight the tears almost flowed...I didn't quite make it yet. Maybe I will as I settle down and go to sleep. I feel that after the tears come, I will have already hit bottom and will have begun to work my way back up...I know I shouldn't feel the pain, but I do...I do feel a sense of loss. I do hurt...I've never grieved and agonized so over being separated from someone...I can't help considering that we might be together as friends now if I hadn't told him. I know we wouldn't be real and honest friends, but...
8 July 1982:
I've got a chance to see P----r tonight and I've almost decided to blow it. Henry's having a lot of people over tonight to watch the 3-D movie, P----r among them, and he invited me...Everybody's going to be doing acid, probably P----r for the first time. I have a feeling I'd be less than comfortable...If P----r were to call me right now, I'd be there in ten minutes flat...
I did it. I went. About 9:30 I got a call from P----r, asking where I was...I really didn't like what I saw...He acted as if nothing had happened...I feel better now that the necessary contact has been made. He doesn't hate me; he wanted to see me. at first the change was in him. Now it;s in me. I don't want to see him. It's taken me a long time to say this: I'm no longer in love.
11 July 1982:
Tomorrow's the day I start my internship at Channel 2...4:30 AM.
15 July 1982:
I might find myself working at WUAG soon. Risa called this afternoon saying she'd been recruited in Elliott Center while looking for a job at the library...She's gonna let me talk to them tomorrow afternoon.
17 July 1982:
Yesterday I went with Risa to the studios to talk to Byron, the station manager...Very vague person. Anyway, after talking to me for a few minutes, he told me I'd be on the air tonight from 10-1...Shock. Fear. What in hell did I know about doing radio? A little, sure, but not a hell of a lot. So I spent the afternoon watching James, a 16-year-old from Greensboro Day School...I learned fast...
Finally at 12:15 (the Hornets Game) ended...and I was on my way. There were no major screw-ups...I was pretty impressed when I listened to the tape.
22 July 1982:
I feel really shitty about taking these handouts from Mom and Dad. Due to the fact that I have no income, however, I guess I have no choice...I feel a little guilty taking money from them when they have their own financial problems. I understand they don't mind giving it to me, but I'm used to being self-sufficient...And I really don't feel I give anything in return. I do almost no work whatsoever around the house...I've never really had to do much of anything...
I'll be 18 in less than three weeks...Really the only three big changes...are: (1) I'll be able to vote Reagan, Helms, East, and Johnston out of office, (2) I'll supposedly register for the draft, and (3) it'll be illegal for me to have sex with a minor.
28 July 1982:
I kept talking to Risa moving in with "You know a lot more gay people than you think and you'll never know that they're gay because you can't tell a difference between us and anyone else." She nodded, not really getting what I'd just said. I clarified: "And did you notice I said 'us'?"...She thought I was kidding then. I said I wasn't.
Finally: "Oh God...I don't know that you're not gay!"
She had a bit of trouble. We talked afterward. She was shaking and I thought she'd gone into a state of shock. I told her "I wish you'd stop staring at me. You're acting as if I had some kind of disease..."
"No, I just wish I'd known. With everybody else, I had an idea. You don't look or act it...You look like a basketball player."
There's a lot of work to be done with her.
29 July 1982:
I met him while cruising the mall...and he kept saying "Please don't kill me. I don't feel like dying tonight." But after a few minutes we talked about ourselves...As we hugged, he said "I could stay like this all night and still be happy." He hadn't even touched my cock. But of course he did. And when he did...wow...He asked me to go out with him tomorrow night...I got his number and I will call him.
2 August 1982:
My dad's got to be considering the idea that I'm gay. I'm sure he's noticed that the only phone calls I get lately are from guys...even though these friends are straight...
I recognize that I'm an independent soul. I'm a bit of a loner and enjoy long periods of time by myself...I sometimes complain about being alone, but I realize that when I'm alone it is through my own doing...
As a side note, I met REO Speedwagon by accident tonight...I don't love their music...Barry will be impressed.
10 August 1982:
I'm officially legal now...Actually I did drink a little beer tonight...talked to Risa about some pretty interesting subjects as we drove around:
M-----d: He had told her about when I told him (I was gay). My pack and a half chain smoking before I finally said what I had to say...She thought M-----d considered me just about his best friend of last semester. That's nice...
P----r: "You'd make such a perfect pair."...Her overview of my discussion: "I love romance stories". Freaky.
11 August 1982:
(Scary essay on the feasibility of time travel. Let's take a pass...)
13 August 1982:
I did my first live on the air interview tonight...The band was the Skunks...Also I encountered P----r tonight...I really don't even like him much anymore. He's getting so damned drug-crazed. It really bugs me.
20 August 1982:
The new program director (at WUAG) is in town. Lisa (a/k/a Hitler) is a former acquaintance of mine from Allen Jr.High. She's gotten real damn bitchy since then. So far she's bitched at me about various things...She's talked shit about me behind my back...She's made herself generally obnoxious and has alienated more than a couple of staff members.
21 August 1982:
Today I talked to Sybil (the SG Vice President)...I'm planning to run for Senate; I get the impression I'll have no trouble making it...
For some reason, I have a lot of respect for Byron...I talked to him about my problems with Rosa tonight and he recommended that I stick around and stay mellow through this transitional period. "It'll blow over"...I also talked to Duncan; he said he's talked to Lisa and he knows the problem she's caused with a lot of the staff. He doesn't want me to leave...The staff members are some of the most fantastic people I've ever encountered -- Mark, Duncan, Byron, Brenda, Suzie, and Lynn in particular. (Who's that Duncan person? I think his name will continue to pop up pretty frequently...)
23 August 1983:
Classes started today. In the course of this fine Monday, I've encountered several things: a huge headache from driving around for 30 minutes trying to find a parking space, a (gay) employee of WSJS/WTQR who is teaching the Development of Broadcasting, a somewhat vague Philosophy professor, a native Frenchman who will speak no more English this semester, and the UNCG dining halls...
Joesph: I just can't figure out how to read him. (Joseph went on to become my first manager at Kinko's many years later...)
25 August 1982:
What an afternoon/night. I met this guy named Laird at the station...He wasn't gorgeous by any sense of the word...It was just the great personality he had that made me want to be with him more and more. He was terrific...Risa, Laird, and I went driving around tonight with the sole purpose of wasting time...He never said he was straight...Maybe I misread...the way he rubbed my knee in response to a joke this afternoon.
27 August 1982:
In the basement of Jackson Library...this morning, before I went to my class down here, I noticed a message from someone interested in "sex or a relationship"...I was just in there and sure enough a guy was on the john. I could tell he had on gray sweat shorts and flip flops...The guy was 26, a graduate student with a fairly huge cock. He was not, however, the one who'd written, as i figured out later this evening...Not that this guy isn't interesting. He's nice looking, that's for sure. As he sucked today, I really felt good, possibly because it's been so long.
29 August 1982:
About 11:15...Carroll and Meral showed up...Around midnight, I played John Lennon's "Happy Xmas (The War Is Over)" and this selection led to 80 minutes of very weird, very funny music. We laughed like crazy. The show was definitely a group effort. (Carroll...soul mate...and now part of my strange Minnesota connection...)
31 August 1982:
It's amazing how many new friendships I've developed lately...The real joy of these friendships is that they are so open and honest. I'm finding it easier and easier to be openly gay even upon my first meeting with someone. And I have not, as yet, received a hostile reply...The friendship with Laird should prove to be, for lack of a better word, weird. It's different with him than with any guy I know. He knows I'm gay and probably suspects that I like him as more than just a friend, but he sticks around me...I wouldn't move my legs so he could sit down, so he proceeded to sit on them. Sara jokingly warned him that he should watch out, I might get turned on. Then he moved up to my lap and started wiggling around his ass saying "No, that's only if I sit here..." (The tern "prick tease" comes to mind...)
I also got to know a guy...I've been watching since the first day. His name is Chris... He mentioned something about sub-culture.
"I'm very much into sub-culture and counter-culture," I replied."There's just so many sub-cultures and counter-cultures around."
"Yeah...You never know which one to choose."...
I could go on and write about how upset I am at the way that WUAG is starting to be a 10-watt WKZL...that I don't even listen to my own station anymore, but I won't.