Journals : 1984 : Part 4
The Soundtrack:
Right Profile, Color Me Gone, Tommy Keene, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Talk Talk, Violent Femmes, REM, O-Boy, Cyndi Lauper, Til Tuesday, Howard Jones, Romeo Void, Wham.
2 August 1984:
Saw David yesterday...he's in a horny period right now, by his own admission. He invited me over to get plastered and help paint his bathroom.
6 August 1984:
Pete was my center of attention. It seems that all our conversations about plans and things like that are phrased with "we" lately. I like that...It's quite obvious that either of us would do anything within our means for the other. And if the situation warranted, as it often has, either of us would exceed our means for the other...I love him in a way which seems so unusual to me. I would worry (and I still do to some extent) that it's only another of my overly emotional reactions to close friendship. But this love has deeper roots....It's evident that if anything ever does develop between us, it will be built on a strong foundation...We won't fall in love and then find out we don't like each other.
9 August 1984:
It does put me in kind of an uncomfortable position having G----n becoming so "buddy buddy" with Eddie. I feel as if every word I say about Eddie is going directly into his ear...It's over now, and quite noticeably so...But it's not really wasted time. It was definitely one of the more interesting and colorful periods of my life , one in which I met a lot of people and learned a lot of things. I could never dream of saying the whole affair was a total loss on my part.
11 August 1984:
I've successfully ushered out my teen years now. The 20-year mark came last night at Encore and the party continued tonight at the Power Company. Both nights spent with Pete...Dad met Pete for the first time last night...We decided to go to Winston because Eddie had told me Joel was doing a show tonight...
Eddie dropped by this afternoon bearing birthday card...I was polite...I basically made it more than plain that my feelings were gone...When he dropped me off at the station, he didn't even bother to stop in and talk to G----n. He assured me that nothing had happened -- or ever would happen -- with G----n, and seemed almost offended at the jokes.
14 August 1984:
Two years ago, when I stole the WUAG Station Manager sign from Neil's office and put it on my bedroom door, I had no idea how appropriate it would be.
16 August 1984:
I actually spent most of the afternoon lying on the couch in my office, hiding from reality, wrapped up in my pink blanket from home. I'm sure I was quite the sight for passers-by in the hall...When Duncan saw my lousy mood, he asked if Pete and I had had a fight last night. "A lovers' quarrel?" was my sarcastic reply. He then reminded me that I'd said it and not him...I'm about to register for another semester of classes at UNCG. I've never dreaded going back to class so badly in my life...I feel like an old chicken leg in the refrigerator which is about to go bad and get rancid.
19 August 1984:
Why does the thought of Pete messing around with Jeff bother me so much less than the thought of Pete messing around with anyone else?
20 August 1984:
I've now visited Pete's house...Jesus Christ what a house! Mom and dad are more affluent than I'd dreamed...He let me read some of the stuff that he'd written -- most of it about two years ago and a lot of it extremely disturbing and intense...One was a story he said he'd written one night instead of slashing his wrists.
22 August 1984:
This morning some bad stuff was exchanged between Pete and his mom. He stormed out of the house and upto the station...He'd already called in to work saying he wouldn't be in until he found a place to live...I offered him the use of my house, at least for a couple of nights and I almost convinced him. It would've been really interesting explaining the situation to mom and dad...As the afternoon progressed...we kind of decided to...move in together. We found a very interesting prospect...It could become home...I'll need to get a job -- fast...We went back to my house...Mom invited Pete to stay for dinner...They're quite convinced that Pete and I are lovers. Fine. Wish it were true. At least they like him.
23 August 1984:
Why do I just sit around waiting for things to happen, knowing that I'm making my life miserable in the process? I'm such a completely depressing waste of a human being lately. I don't understand how anyone can even tolerate my presence anymore...And I can't open up to anyone. I just let them sit around and wonder what's bothering me. Soon, no one will care...Duncan asked if it was related to love. He asked if it was related to Pete. Why couldn't I say yes?...He's probably the one person I could talk to about it; we've successfully discussed most of my other recent problems and he's helped me see the light a couple of times. But at this point, I'm almost tired of "opening up" and burdening people. I'm tired of seeming to be the one who makes minor problems major while failing to realize that other people have their own shit to deal with.
27 August 1984:
The house looks less than likely...Saturday brought a surprise party for Carroll. I took Pete...The party was nice enough...We left and went to the bar about 12. Pete got drunker and drunker. I tried. It didn't work...Raleigh this afternoon...We got back about 8:30 and hung around the house for an hour or so. Mom and Dad got home about 9:30 and we left for the bar shortly thereafter. Mom seemed to be bothered at the sight of us leaving together again. Pete said it was a "she's finally seen the light" look.
31 August 1984:
Fenders' farewell, where I spent one of the worst evenings of my life. Pete disappeared for a while with Richard. I still haven't gotten the straight story on what happened, though Duncan has...At the end of the evening, Pete was either upset with me or thought that I was upset with him...I couldn't get alone with Duncan long enough today to hear the story. If it involves Richard, I don't want to. Pete's last words to me last night were "I hope I didn't upset anyone's expectations"...I've now opened and closed Fenders. Why is it that every time I've been there, I've spent among the worst nights in my life? Why won't I miss Fenders?
1 September 1984:
Meral is moving to Raleigh this weekend; we said our goodbyes tonight. I, believe it or not, believe I'll miss her a lot.
5 September 1984:
I'm worried about the station as well. It's becoming more and more evident each day that I'm not cut out for this job. I've known it all along and I think everyone else is starting to see it too. I want to get out before some major fuck-up occurs...I can't picture what life will be like for me a month from now. I somehow know that it will be radically different from the way I experience it now.
6 September 1984:
Fall is here in full force. I had to do the quilt last night...Fall always seems to bring back the most interesting memories, and also the most pleasant ones. I suppose it's technically "back to school" which should serve as a signal, but it isn't. It's that first really cool night that sets the autumn mood...Fall makes me nostalgic.
14 September 1984:
New York was flawless...I spent most of Saturday and Sunday with Mom...it was actually quite fun and I didn't mind missing the New York nightlife...Monday and Tuesday I was on my own in the daytime...I was amazed at how well I found my way around...And I missed Pete the entire time...
We got together Wednesday night. He'd hung around with Duncan some while I was gone and Duncan had told him the he thought Pete and I should hook up. Pete's reply, apparently, was that :if anything were going to happen, it probably would've in Atlanta"...I talked to Duncan a good while tonight, and I finally let the load leave my chest about Pete -- that I was really hung up. He said he'd known for a long long time...He told me to go for it...that I was afraid to say anything for fear of wrecking the friendship. He also said he couldn't tell what Pete's feelings on the matter might be.
17 September 1982:
I did have serious thoughts of leaving school however. I don't feel like dealing with classes anymore. I'm skipping like crazy...I want to give it all up, t least temporarily.
21 September 1984:
A brilliant career as General Manager of a small urban radio station cut short; I have resigned. I am no longer in charge of the Music 106 -- not that I ever really was. I officially relinquish control at the end of October...I turned in my resignation at the end of Wednesday's Executive Board meeting...The problem is that I just don't care anymore -- about much of anything. I skipped a test today. I'm planning to skip another one tomorrow. The thought of dropping out of school appeals to me more than anything...God knows I've missed enough classes already that I could technically be THROWN out...
I told no one -- not even Pete -- beforehand. Duncan sensed and asked me about it somewhat ahead of time and I didn't lie to him. I just didn't want to be talked out of it...G----n knew it was coming. He'd apparently seen my (discarded) letter from July and knew the real thing wasn't far way.
Academics: I just don't see myself completing this semester. It's not going to happen.
6 October 1984:
The Executive Board elected Stuart as my replacement Wednesday afternoon and decided he should take office immediately. I'm now history: I moved out Thursday. And I still haven't said anything to Mom and Dad. I've dropped half my classes and I'm now a seven-hour part time student...I get to DJ at Secret Garden this Sunday.
10 October 1984:
Stan called me last night. He said he'd run into Eddie at City Stage and Eddie was all questions about me. Stan is convinced Eddie still wants me. Stan is pretty much convinced I don't care now...Eddie's about due for a "hello" anyway. It would be real funny if that hello came as I dropped by the house Tuesday to go with Joel to a party that I'm invited to and Eddie isn't.
24 October 1984:
Welcome to that haunting, remorseful world we call "the morning after". The morning after what? A serious drunk, a lousy night, a couple of revelations, and some aborted plans. It sucked, I feel like shit, and the world isn't rosy like it was...Pete...Tammy...He was most apologetic saying that he was "standing me up" and "letting me down again"...Jeff and I went to Harry's, and I did a much too serious drunk. I left about 12:30 planning to go to the Palms and sober up somewhat...My main reason for leaving, however, was to get a message on Pete's car that I was drunk and I needed to talk to him -- this need having come from my drunkenness. Actually, it was quite smart of me to use getting drunk for finally initiating the conversation I've been needing to have...
Only I couldn't just leave the note. I had to be polite and go in. Why did I have to go in? Pete was there, quite drunk. And I've never known him to be so distant toward me. I don't know if it was intentional. I felt like an ass...
Revelations: I'm giving up on him. What chance there might have been is gone. I can't have him.
27 October 1984:
Remember Pete? That really great guy I use to know? The one i haven't seen since Tuesday night?...He didn't all Wednesday morning like he said he would. I did hear from Jeff Wednesday night, calling me from work. Pete was there and it almost seemed Jeff had to convince him to talk to me...That night, no call...Wednesday...no call...No contact today either...Thursday night as I was visiting Lynne at I-House, who should show up but Jon, Carroll's friend. He invited me up to his room and eventually we had sex (sort of, just like last time. We got interrupted in the heat of the moment and I had to hide in his closet for 20 minutes (such irony...me in the closet). I left soon afterward. Actually it was kinda fun...
Great night at the bar. I was in atop-notch mood after finally being released from the closet. Duncan and Sarah were out. They were nearby most of the night...Funny revelations: almost everyone I know is worried about me, I've come to discover through Duncan.
30 October 1984:
Pete and I are -- of course -- back on good terms again. Was there ever even the slightest doubt?...Cyndi Lauper Friday night. So far it's Jeff, Pete, and me. I fear Eddie may work his way into the plan. I really hope not....Money pressures are starting to build. School's all but a dead issue....I'm not doing anything in the two classes I still have.
31 October 1984:
Great night with Pete...I love him so much and I want him so much. And I'm not about to have him...I need to stop seeing so much of him...The more I see of him, the more I want him. Each minute I spend with him drives me one more step off the deep end...He's my only driving force now that the station and school don't fit into the picture anymore. But I have to decide if I value him more as a friend than as a potential lover. I already have him as a friend. I'll probably never have him as a lover. The choice would seem to be clear...
He said tonight he wanted to settle down into a romance. I feel that e probably will soon...Common sense tells me I need to talk to him soon, but I'm so scared of losing him completely.