Journals : 1984 : Part 3
The Soundtrack:
Cyndi Lauper, Talk Talk, Violent Femmes, Prince, Dead or Alive, Psychedelic Furs, Modern English, Lou Reed, The Dickies, Katie Kissoon, Madonna, New Order, Robin Gibb.
8 June 1984:
I can't believe that I'm actually spending my third summer at the Music 106...what an awesome part of my life that institution has been...I've formed most of my closest friendships through the station...Even my "outside" relationships have largely stemmed from or been drastically influenced by the station.
9 June 1984:
It seems like the only time I ever see Eddie is at the station.
10 June 1984:
Frightening thought: in about seven days, Barry and Helen will be married...Pete came by after work, for a quite unusual visit. Eddie revealed just how much he really doesn't like Pete (behind his back of course). He seemed down right vicious...I feel like there's something he's not telling me.
11 June 1984:
I'm fed up with having my life revolve around the radio station...When people come to visit, it's at the station. Everyone else is always there. If Eddie comes by in the afternoon, we can't talk. We can't do anything...My office is becoming the new staff lounge...My biggest concern in all this is how it relates to Eddie. T almost think he likes it this way. It's "safer". It keeps me from having to say anything serious about anything like a relationship. When he invited everyone along to the movie last night, it was like a slap in the face. I'd believed that maybe he wanted to be with me. I guess not.
12 June 1984:
New rumor that Eddie and Brad have been fucking for several weeks.
15 June 1984:
Duncan's a little upset with Eddie about all the kidding he's getting about "the fling". Did I tell Duncan to tell Eddie? No. I take no responsibility.
16 June 1984:
New radical hairstyle...Eddie did at least stop by tonight, if only briefly. To my dismay, Stan was there for most of the visit...Pete called while Eddie was there...We went to Burger King and drove around for an hour or so. I like being with Pete. I almost always enjoy any time we spend together.
17 June 1984:
Wedding day. In about 12 hours, the hard part will be over. Thank God. Rehearsal tonight.
18 June 1984:
Last night was just the frightening proof I needed that I'm really starting to fall for Pete in a bad way...As we drove home, I wanted him more and more. We're getting so very close now; he's telling me things he wouldn't tell anyone else...Contrary to popular belief,,,we're not fucking, and I'm sure that it's because of this that we've managed to get so close.
20 June 1984:
Modern English in Charlotte: I think I'd just as soon have stayed in Greensboro last night...I rode down with Eddie, G----n, and Mark (who popped back into town yesterday afternoon) and Tim. Joseph got left behind in the shuffle. He drove himself down and was quite pissed at everyone. Duncan was also quite pissed at our carload due to the misunderstanding. We expressed our anger quite loudly to each other after the show. We screamed! I've never bitched at anybody like that and never been bitched at like that. Tim played matchmaker and we eventually hugged and made up...
Pete seemed to be by himself most of the evening and I tried to spend as much time with him as possible. His company seemed superior to Eddie's and Eddie kept bopping upstairs to the "over 21" section with Pat anyway...After driving home, I ran into Pete back in Greensboro...I think I almost could have talked him into something last night but it was pushing 4:00 in the morning.
21 June 1984:
Tonight Pete said he'd been considering going to "the bookstore" lately because of a slump. It would've been so easy for anyone else to have said something like "well...we could go back to my office just one more time tonight". In stead, I told him not to go because he could do better....Why am I so incredibly hesitant?
I didn't hear from Eddie today. I didn't really expect to. After all, he told me last night he would talk to me today. That usually turns out to be an almost certain predictor that I won't hear from him for several days.
22 June 1984:
Pete and I are big news now, so he says. We decided today to go to Atlanta on 13 July..."We're being gossiped about." Fine. Our gossip is bound to trickle down to Eddie eventually...He called and came by while I was on the air this morning to find Pete already there...Pete's had another fight with his parents. They're such complete asshole, and they're driving him away again. They've decided now that he shouldn't be hanging around the station...though they've never met me, they don't like me...He needs me so badly but he won't recognize it...I guess he's still reading it as friendship.
24 June 1984:
Went to G----n's and got real drunk. Saw Eddie on High Point Road after he went "home to bed".
26 June 1984:
The rumor about Eddie and Brad may be truer that I'd believed...I'm sure something probably did happen...That's why Eddie mentioned it to me in the first place, so I'd get his version of the story before I got anyone else's.
28 June 1984:
Regret that I never followed through on my plans for Chapel Hill...I feel like I'm going nowhere...one lasting effect of Eddie will be my decision to stay in Greensboro...I'm beginning to resent Eddie more and more. I'm starting to dislike him.
1 July 1984:
I'm falling so fucking crazy for Pete now that I can hardly stand it. I hesitate to say "love". That word has gotten me in trouble on more tan one occasion. But I'm getting there...He's so great, and he's so nice.
2 July 1984:
My mom commented the other day, while reading a magazine article, that she must have done something right when raising me. The one factor she mentioned was that I'm not judgmental. I'm sorry now that I didn't pursue it further and ask some questions. I was in a supremely bad mood, she sensed that and my apparent lack of responsiveness, and cut the subject short. Pity...
Eddie popped in for a visit. As everyone seems to have decided that my office is THE place to be, we didn't get a chance to talk in private, but I sense that Eddie is a little worried..."I hear you've been riding around in an 88 lately", referring to Pete's car...Last bit of info from today's visit: there will be a phone in hell house by Thursday. Fat lot of good it'll do me now.
5 July 1984:
Pete is talking an awful lot about us moving in together; he's convinced that it's going to happen, and I don't mind the idea...I was further convinced that I'm really falling for this boy, but I also sense that no romance is going to come from it.
6 July 1984:
I can't read G----n. He's chummy with Eddie but he's also quite positive about me dumping him, and joined right in with "yeah" when I played "Kiss Off" especially for Eddie. He said he and Duncan had been wondering how long it would take me to wise up.
7 July 1984:
Eddie was at the station today...I was cordial...Duncan, on the other hand, was down right hostile...About 3:30, he came in to tell me that Pete would be coming by soon. On that note, Eddie decided that he needed to leave...Pete was around for all of my show, during which Eddie called, in part to inquire about Pete's presence...
Eddie knows about Atlanta. He told me to "have fun" with a sly little grin...He was almost defensive when I asked him why he'd gotten so hostile toward Pete...He told me that G----n had gotten him back to his room where they read porn magazines and did nothing else. "If that's not asking for it, I don't know what is."...My only comment was that I wished SOMEONE (I emphasized that I didn't care who) would go ahead and fuck him so I wouldn't have to hear about it every time I turn around...
He also said that we should get together "to talk" tomorrow night.
8 July 1984:
I've dumped Eddie, though I haven't said a word. I think he gets the message...Eddie felt compelled to ask G----n if he wanted to come along tonight. The fact that he did this showed me just how anxious he was for the two of us to spend an evening together. The fact that he did this after I'd been complaining about how G----n was really getting on my nerves, showed me how much real regard Eddie has for me...I asked G----n to "sit the evening out"...It was strange...after so long and being there alone with Eddie...It was obvious fairly soon that nothing sexual was going to happen...and that no conversation of any significance would happen either...We didn't even make an effort to kiss each other good night.
12 July 1984:
About 16 hours from now, I should be on my way to Atlanta...I may go crazy with Pete. If it doesn't happen this weekend, it never will...Who knows what the next four days will bring. Duncan thinks they'll bring marriage; he's convinced that Pete and I are destined to be together. I don't know.
16 July 1984:
In my own bed again. Alone. Unfortunately I slept alone most of the time spent in Atlanta. Of course, Pete was right across the room, but he wasn't where I wanted him....I've got to live in a real city...We almost stayed. If there had been one shred of seriousness in Pete's voice, I would've said "let's do it" and I would've convinced him....God how I hated coming back to this town which I'm starting to dislike intensely....I've done just about everything there is to do here, and I've about had it....
When I watched him sleep, he was the most beautiful sight I've ever seen...It's so damned obvious that he wants a real relationship but he won't let himself. He says romance doesn't exist; I can see through that...I don't know if I'm the right person for him. I may be, but I also don't know if he will ever recognize it even if I am. I was afraid to make any real move toward him. And I think if I'd developed some guts and tried, I would've had him. But I was afraid. I didn't read any overt interest, but I felt that something was there...
Coming home was hell. Pete didn't talk a lot and I could see he was down. I was getting that way too...This down phase actually began when I finally went to sleep last night. At that moment I realized that the vacation was over and that nothing was going to happen between us, at least not in Atlanta...
Duncan said Eddie had mentioned that "I've been trying to figure out all night why those two would go to Atlanta." He also said he bet we wouldn't go to the same bars he would go to. Duncan said probably not.
"So what do you think they'll do?"
"They'll probably have a great time."
Love Duncan.
17 July 1984:
Eddie left for the beach today, taking G----n with him...He told Duncan he plans to make a move on him. G----n didn't want to tell me about the trip, but I'd already gotten word...G----n knows it'll bother me...shows how little regard my "friend" has for me...At any rate, the bastard is out of my life. G----n better keep his distance too.
20 July 1984:
Joel knows about G----n's presence at the beach...Joel has also gotten word of Duncan's plan to "harm" Eddie (due to repeated mouthing off about Duncan's fling), and supports these plans wholeheartedly:
"I called him today and told him I wasn't a fool. I haven't been walking this earth for thirty years blind...He hasn't got a job and he sits around on his ass all day thinking I'll take care of him. Bullshit. If he don't hand me the money on the first of August, his ass is out of that house."
When he walked off, Duncan and I laughed like all hell...I don't think Duncan will really hurt Eddie.
24 July 1984:
Pete and I tentatively agreed to meet at Duncan's for an MTV Cyndi Lauper special...Donna wanted to go eat, so Pete drove her. When I got back to the station, they were still together at Donna's...About 35 minutes later, Pete called and invited me over...I mentioned once or twice to Pete about the special; he seemed less and less interested as time passed...About 10, I finally decided to leave, hoping Pete (drunker and drunker) would come along. He said he hated to leave since he'd been there the whole night. I left, cordially. I drove off mad as hell -- another evening's plans ruined by the Music 106.
25 July 1984:
My worst suspicions of last night were confirmed: "We kept drinking and drinking and got drunker and drunker and things got weirder and weirder...I woke up with Donna this morning." It even hurt to write those words...I'm married to a radio station, it's sucking up all my friends and I want a divorce...I'm resigning effective 31 August.
28 July 1984:
Cliff, one of the managers from Fender's, and a complete husband-type, came by this afternoon. He's been hanging around a lot lately and I quite enjoy it.