Journals : 1982 : Part 3
Soundtrack:
Beatles, Doors, Rush, Peter Gabriel, Jimmy Hendrix, Romantics, Frank Zappa, Steely Dan, Boomtown Rats.
17 May 1982:
I met a new guy tonight, and once again the chemistry seems right...His name is Andrew; he's a friend of P----r's...We didn't hit it off for a while, but I noticed how his eyes never left me. If we were close or across the room, his eyes stayed on me. It was weird as hell. After a while, we started talking. He unmasked me; he refused to allow me to put on many of my usual acts...He talked to me always seeming to be getting closer and closer. The whole thing was too much.
Andrew is free of the typical "he-man horseshit"...he kept talking about stupid macho traits...Listening to him was like listening to a recording of my writings about macho bullshit...He talked about smoking and how it was a way to look like a "real man". The rest of the class, it was me and him together. We sat next to each other talking, looking, and generally being bored together. He had totally deserted P----r by now. It was as if I'd taken him over and he was in my control...I want him.
22 May 1982:
As we were leaving...Friday morning, I noticed an extra persona at my car...Andrew. I think he has a definite interest in me...He appeared at my car, with nothing in particular to say or do, no major reason to be there...But thinking about how he'd just come down there to see me made me feel good the rest of the day...
After this, (P----r and I) saw John and his boyfriend on Holden Road. It was weird as hell; his boyfriend was driving John's car and P----r was driving mine. Quelle irony.
28 May 1982:
Senior Day 1982. My Senior Day. The first Senior day I've spent stone sober...It was a weird feeling as we had the second rehearsal before the assembly. As I walked in the door and heard "Pomp and Circumstance" being played for me and my class...But at 10:00, it was time for the real thing and I was really freaked out. This time there was not only "Pomp" but everyone was standing...
Awards time: commendation for my PSAT scores...I got the TV award...
31 May 1982:
I felt better with M-----d today than I have in weeks...And for the first time, I noticed he had faced up to the fact that I was gay and finally felt comfortable with it. We made a couple of jokes and this time he didn't make such a noticeable effort to change the subject.
1 June 1982:
Mrs. Tuttle...has a way with a story. she lets her natural strangeness show through. Risa, also allows her strangeness to show through...She's flat out weird. Once again, I'm allowing someone else to read my efforts. Sorry, Risa.
2 June 1982:
When people read this years from now, they'll be convinced I was either extremely enlightened or mentally ill.
6 June 1982:
About P----r: I know almost nothing about his early life...All I see is a kid who seems to have been raised rather extravagantly -- spoiled if you will -- by intellectual, separated parents. He says his family is broke, but he seems to have one of everything. I see a lack of responsibility in his upbringing, which has led to his present lack of respect and responsibility...He's so outrageously irritating but fantastic at the same time...Oh yeah. The accent. His mom sounds pretty southern. His dad sounds pretty southern. Why doesn't he sound southern?
10 June 1982:
I am now a high school graduate...I can tell exactly what I'll remember for the rest of my life: the tension of waiting in line for a n hour. That was the biggest part of the ceremony. I felt pretty cool and calm...until I found myself at the bottom of the steps to the platform. Three more people...
Then it was party time. I picked up P----r and Henry and we got to Tina's about 10:45. I mingled and talked a lot with John and Adolph. Adolph said he'd read some of my writings and loved them. Is he gay or just a good friend of John's? Years back, something about him had suggested gay to me, though I forgot what it was. (He was gay, I'm told by my roommate as I re-type this in 1997. He and John were lovers. John was the only person at my high school I knew to be gay, and sadly was the first of my high school friends to die of AIDS, in 1992, about two months after I moved to San Francisco.)
We dropped Henry off about 1:00 and then just kind of hung around at P----r's for a while. That's what I'll remember...We were both very mellow, coming down, and we just kind of stretched out on the bed. He looked so good and I felt so right being there next to him..."I'm not moving from this spot. I'm attaining nirvana." ...
Somehow I've got to come out to him...I've already begun dropping hints...I talked to him about John as a friend, also mentioning he was gay. at the party, I put my arm around him and told Risa we were lovers and that he had a 12-inch dick...Something has to be pushing us together. At the beach, we'll find out just what it is.
16-18 June 1982 (Myrtle Beach):
I'd almost been suffering from withdrawal symptoms from not getting a chance to write...It hasn't really been such a fantastic trip. We've been getting along fine, but P----r's been interested in doing totally different things than I have...I've been giving in to him too much...I just can't tell him no. I really think that's been his whole problem in life. Nobody's ever been able to say no.
If not before, he'll find out on Friday that I'm gay. Everyone except him and me is leaving at 12. We'll have the whole place to ourselves...
I can hardly stand to be with hima and not being able to have him. Friday is now shot. Helen's mom and dad will be staying all weekend. I had plans for this weekend...I think that too much planning, that is, relying on plans and living in a world of what may or will happen, is dangerous. I should simply take life as it comes...
The time has come. I'm scared. But i was scared when I told Steve too...The thing has to be spontaneous. It'll just have to slide out. That's all there is to it. It's almost time...
After we drank our beer, and we were just driving around the beach, P----r started talking about Andrew..."Sure he's gay and all, but he's a great guy."
"I'm glad you feel that way. There's something I need to talk to you about."
"You're gay?" Funny, it's always the person I tell who actually says the words. That's the way it was with Steve too.
"You got it."
"I don't believe you Dave. No, I don't think so." Finally it sank in with him that I wasn't kidding. At this point -- I might add he was smiling all the time -- he got into "are you sure", "are you gay...or just bi" and "it doesn't matter"...He started talking about he and Andrew had done things together...He kept telling me that he was straight so he didn't feel threatened by learning I was gay.
Great discussion...So he's straight. Who cares? At least I know it now and I also see a possibility that he'd like a little more experimentation...
It's all over. I'm home now. I'm not really sure how well P----r is accepting the fact that I'm gay. He seemed a little quiet today -- not bad, just a little different. i have this sneaking feeling he read some of what I wrote about him while I was in the shower.
19 June 1982:
Definite feeling of depression. I've been let down. I feel disoriented. I feel totally alone...Today I took a few things P----r had left in the car over to his house. Cold. Very cold...P----r really wanted me to leave and very quickly. I could sense this as i walked in the door. He thanked me too much...P----r doesn't often say thank you; he talked to me as if I were a total stranger. When I told him goodbye it was if that were the last time I'd ever be saying it to him. It hurt...
I can see it now: my weakness in depending so heavily on another person. I've recognized it for the last few weeks and I've come to the decision (today) that I need to start working on myself by myself for a while. I'm not really all that upset about things. I'm a little angry, however...
In a sense, I felt alone -- totally alone -- for the first time in months. P----r -- either as a friend or as a lover -- has been the guiding passion in my life for months. that passion seemed gone today...
Of course there's still the deal with Andrew. Will he still fix me up?...The very idea of a guy saying he'd fix me up with another guy. Asking me if I'd like to get set up. A straight guy saying all this. And me. Actually telling a straight guy "Sure, I'd love to get inside his pants." No. This was no act. P----r was being honest. But what happened?
22 June 1982:
A milestone is occurring at this moment. I am officially becoming a college student...Here I am in Elliott Center at UNCG, sitting on the john after having taken a huge shit. Prelude to pre-registration. as far as I can remember this is the first time I've ever written from a bathroom...Actually it's quite comfortable her. It's peaceful and quiet and I have a chair which very well fist the shape of the human ass. (Later, I was to discover other uses for that very same toilet stall...)
23 June 1982:
I came out to Helen tonight...She took it well. Very well.
26 June 1982:
I've come out to Barry, following closely on the heels of Helen...Everything seemed kind of matter of fact. He already knew. I guess he just needed to hear me say it.Things seem fine though I left directly afterward.
27 June 1982:
Barry and I went out tonight. we talked. I mean really talked for the first time in years...He's a true friend, the best I know.
30 June 1982:
Heard the beginning of a commercial: "You know, I don't usually go around talking about feminine protection any more than you do."
I could enjoy the whole Tate Street scene. The whole area is great and filled with "different" people. It's about the only remainder of the "hippie generation" in Greensboro and I feel natural there...I think I'll find myself spending a lot of time there in the not too distant future.