Journals :1982
Introduction:
Big changes this year. My writings gained more depth and were less about "what I did today". Thus, there was also a tremendous increase in volume. Thus, there are six pages of material here (gleaned from over 600 on my end.) Big topics: academics, love and sex (and the quest for both), and "coming out". This year was a major turning point in my life. among other things, I pretty much ditched almost every "friend" I'd had up to this point and started over again with a new bunch, many of whom I remain friends with to this day.
Editorial comments from the present are -- as always -- in grey.
SOME NAMES HAVE BEEN CHANGED!!
Soundtrack:
Police, Beatles, Ramones, Ozzy Osbourne, Jefferson Airplane, Van Halen, Iron Butterfly, Bloodrock.
1 January 1982:
So here we are already into 1982. I know it's 1982 because I hear the Top 100 Countdown...and I smell those damn God-awful greens and black-eye peas cooking. I dread supper...My date with Laura went OK, though I know she was bored; so was I. (Big surprise there, huh? At least I did later learn to love collards.)
2 January 1982:
Tonight was Saturday night and I didn't have shit to do. I was just damn bored. I need a change. But what? I know what I really need. I desperately need somebody to love -- not just some fag to suck off -- I mean a real passionate guy who shares the same feelings and emotions I do. It's so frustrating...Usually a straight person can pretty much walk upto someone and assume that person is of the same sexual persuasion. But I can't walk up to any guy who interests me and expect him to automatically be gay. One out of ten is not a large percentage. How do you tell? Experimenting, just propositioning or asking the guy is not wise. In fact, it can be down right hazardous to your health...It bugs me that the fantastic looking guy out there stands a 10% chance of being gay. just because he may have his arm around this girl, that proves nothing...I can't hang with meeting up in a bathroom. I did that for the first time the other night...the atmosphere sucked. No love, no passion, just paranoia...I guess I'll just keep jerking off 'till something better comes along.
4 January 1982:
I had been looking forward to this class all day waiting to get back my paper. I thought I had at least a B. And what did I get? A goddamn D. I worked my ass off; I racked my brains on that stupid fucking paper. I'd almost decided to stick it out in AP, but this was the last straw. I'm not about to stay in there and flunk.
9 January 1982:
Don't get me wrong. I have no desire at all to start smoking pot again. I can truthfully say that now. It was a little iffy for a very long time, but now you couldn't pay me to smoke a joint...1980 was a hell of a year...But as I look back, I wonder why I was friends with a lot of those people. Most of them were good-looking as hell...but more importantly they were the kind of people I wanted to be seen with to kill off that old image people had of me...That's been my whole life for the past couple of years -- trying to create an image...I've never been good at establishing real friendships.
17 January 1982:
I made my most recent major decision: to go to Carolina all four years, scholarship or not. If I can get away from here, maybe I can find someone...or at least go to a gay bar without fear of being seen. I'd also dearly love to get away from home. My parents are OK, but I'm almost 18 and I gotta get away.
19 January 1982:
I'm beginning to wonder if I'm establishing a pattern of quitting (piano, drama, journalism, two jobs). And now I want to quit AP English and Chick-Fil-A. When things get rough, I don't think about how I can improve them. I think about quitting...Those damn people who work there. They're some of the most unfriendly, countrified bunch of rednecks I've ever seen.
1 February 1982:
As I headed to Ivey's bathroom, there happened to be a gay guy in there...I didn't hear any pissing or shitting or anything, so I got the idea he might be there for the same reason I was...A lot of people started coming in, and I began feeling uneasy, so I got up and headed out...I wanted so badly to say something...but I couldn't bring myself to do it...I'm going back tomorrow to see if I can find him again.
3 February 1982:
I signed up for a night class at Weaver today. Now, in addition to TV and Graphics, I'm taking Electronics.
4 February 1982:
I sat on the john and waited a little while. Jeff (the guy who did displays when I worked at the Limited) came in. I'm pretty sure he was looking... (He was, he eventually "found" me and we remain close friends to this day...)
7 February 1982:
I finally met and had real sex with a guy...His name was Rick, he's 25 and a junior at UNCG...We met cruising the mall. We decided to go over to his apartment (it's only two blocks from here). He seemed as nervous as I did. we played around a little on the couch and then stripped and got into bed...We maneuvered ourselves into all sorts of positions...It was much different from all the sexual contacts I've had before -- not just a quick blowjob...We talked...
All in all, I'd almost say I liked finally having someone to talk to about what's going on inside of me better than the love-making.
12 February 1982:
I've been wanting to see Rick again since Sunday. I don't know exactly how to go about it. I don't really feel comfortable just dropping by.
13 February 1982:
I don't feel like any less of a man because I'm gay. Sometimes I feel like more of one...My "masculinity" hasn't suffered at all. I see all this macho shit as a front for insecurity. These shitheads don't hate gays; they're just afraid of them. Some, of course, are afraid of their own gayness. But most, I think, are completely straight and just worried that they might like a man once if they tried it. That's be a hell of a blow to their macho...They seem to think that if someone's gay, he's definitely going to try to have sex with him. That's ego!...Believe it or not, I'm not after every dude I see, especially some arrogant straight SOB who thinks I'm supposed to want him because he's so fantastic.
I'm starting to sense something about Rodney again...God I'd love to be with him...Maybe if he'd give up all the drinking and drugs...dammit, he's frying his brain. It's so damned frustrating. Why would anyone do something like that to himself?
There's a guy in my Electronics class that I have suspicions about...
15 February 1982:
I saw my new prospect tonight (his name is P----r) and everything seemed to put us together...it seemed we were like magnets; just something was drawing us together...Almost every time I turned around he was looking at me...We ran into each other Friday morning and he kept following me everywhere...Tonight on break we hung around together...He smoked part of my cigarette...and we shared a drink.
Mr. Demkowski started talking about positive and negative charges and how they attract each other...Like charges repel, and somebody said "like male and male"...Frank Carpenter said "Except in P----r's case." God, I hope that's true.
He's on an extremely high brain wave. He's only a sophomore and he already understands concepts I've never even heard about before.
I have the part of Garcin in "No Exit" for French Day.
22 February 1982:
I really think P----r feels the same way I do. But I'm not going to rush it. This is the probably first friendship I've ever had which began on such honest terms. I'm not going to be "about" anything. I'm not going to pretend to be Mister Super Cool. I'm not going to try to be just like him...And if he asks me, I'll tell him I'm gay...
I can afford to quit Chick-Fil-A now...I could take things easy and enjoy the last part of my senior year. I'd do better in school, I could participate in more activities, and more than all else, I wouldn't spend half my day dreading the fact that I have to work that night....I deserve a vacation; I need a chance (as Mrs. Tuttle puts it) "to be a kid". I'm gonna do it.
23 February 1982:
What I think I notice so much about P----r is how much he reminds me of myself when I was a sophomore (same music...dresses like I did...underground paper...) He seemed to be a lonely, maybe spoiled kid. He seemed to try and dominate me -- to keep me near to him.
25 February 1982:
Grammy awards last night...John Lennon's "Double Fantasy" was best album. Kim Carnes' "Bette Davis Eyes" got song and record of the year...I think Ray Springfield was named best new artist but I won't swear to that...
I feel so rotten. Not really rotten, just let down. tonight I got the picture of what sex really shouldn't be. Cold and impersonal, in a parked car...I'd seen him before; he was ugly and real strange, but I was desperate and went with him to his car...When I got back to the mall, I felt so nasty and dirty...and I could still smell that awful scent he had on. It was awful. Surely this isn't how it's supposed to be...
Maybe I'm an incurable romantic...Maybe I'm developing morals. Maybe I'm looking for a heterosexual relationship with a homosexual. But by God I'm not looking for what I got tonight.
1 March 1982:
If not a sexual relationship, this thing with P----r is turning into a serious friendship...We're together every chance we get...I think about him constantly...I think he'll be the first person I'll tell that I'm gay. I've got to let it out to somebody.
3 March 1982:
I feel as good right now as I ever have. Hell, I'm even doing good in AP English now. that's a switch! I think I'm about the only person in the class who understands and appreciates "The Skin of Our Teeth". I think it's the most fantastic thing I've ever read. The more we study it, the more I like it.
7 March 1982:
Barry called again. Me and Barry and Helen are going to see "Making Love" together. That should be funny as hell. The three of us, two guys and one girl, walking in together. We should get some really freaky looks...I think after the movie might be a good time to have a long serious talk with Barry and Helen.
9 March 1982:
I now feel like I've removed all the things I don't like about my life. I removed pot a long time ago. I'm beginning now to remove the new loneliness I felt after giving up pot. I've removed my hostilities and frustrations. And now I've removed the job that I hated. But the biggest removal is my distaste for being gay. I'm comfortable with it now.
12 March 1982:
We had the going away party for Mr. Hobgood today. I'm not sure he was completely surprised...We taped the whole occasion for future reference.
18 March 1982:
P----r...I watched him play tennis today...He looked more beautiful to me as I watched him on that tennis court than anyone has ever looked to me in my life. I could have reached out and grabbed him on the court. I've never been so attracted.
19 March 1982:
To me, everything is a spectator sport. I never do anything. I watch other people do things. I watch and listen to music but when I had my opportunity to learn, I was in misery...Sports...never...If I'd ever tried anything and kept at it, put in some real work and effort, and not given up the moment I lost interest. I might be good at something now...I have a short attention span...
The other personality flaw I see is my jealousy. Whenever I'm around P----r and it's just the two of us, I feel fantastic. But when there's someone else present...it just doesn't feel the same...I suspect that I just look at things differently when there are other people around with whom he must share his attention. I'm not jealous in the sense that I think he's falling for someone else. I just want all his attention, and that's selfish and destructive.
29 March 1982:
It could be that I read too much into relationships. Since I've never been really strong at developing real relationships until lately, I'm not really used to seeing any guy showing any kind of concern or affection (no matter how straight). Maybe I'm guilty of misreading the first signs of true friendship as the first signs of gay love. It's probably true that none of the people I'm playing up to right now is gay. I'm probably letting myself in for a big disappointment. But I've got to have hope...