On the 8th of February

Never really noticed this coincidence before. On 8 February 2000, I announced that I was going to be moving back eastward at some unspecified point in the future. Exactly five years later, I announced the actual move. It took a while, obviously, but here I am. And I still stand by my decision. As it happens, 8 February 2007 also was the start of my transformation into the librarian you know and love today.

Pretty good date, all in all.

I used to do these “five years ago, etc.” posts fairly often. I haven’t been doing them so much lately as I’ve been trying to focus on the present and the future. But I was looking for something tonight in reference to another post, and I got sucked in. So here you go…

A Sunday morning in January

Sitting in my living room on a Sunday morning watching the weekend “In the Heat of the Night” marathon. It’s like the last sixteen years never happened. Except:

The marathon is on WGN now instead of TNT.
I’m watching it from Greensboro rather than San Francisco.
Both my TV and my living room are much bigger now.
I’m not really craving cheap sex and didn’t watch anyone else having it last night.

There are probably several other minor changes too, but my coffee is ready now so they’ll have to wait.

17 things…

I usually don’t take these “click bait” lists very seriously, but a friend of a friend posted this one the other day and it’s surprisingly spot on.

1,2,3,6,8,9,11,14,15,16,17

Humor: Biggie. Sometimes I think I rely on it too much and that other people think I never take anything seriously. Which is so not the case.

Hurting other people’s feelings: Horrifies me.

Unless they deserve it for being an asshole to someone else (or a group).
I can’t be an asshole, even when I sort of need to (e.g. employee who needs discipline, person I need to ease out of my life)

Easily hurt, though you’d maybe not know it and I’d probably try to laugh about it to minimize things.

Suspicious and wary of other people, especially when they’re in groups.

Sometimes even if they’re my friends.
Afraid to approach and join in.

Definitely hard for me to be vulnerable or to “owe” anyone. I try to be very self-sufficient when it comes to emotional shit and only like to talk about it in broad terms, or to make jokes. And I kind of resent it when people use me for help, especially if they have hurt me in the past.

Randomly Wednesday night

Watching “Naked City” and recovering after class and a really long day, the following come to mind:

I had no idea while I was doing the Planet SOMA US Tour in 1997, this was going on pretty much simultaneously. I’m reading a book on it now, one of my acquisitions from last month’s annual “Thanksgiving in Canada” road trip.
Speaking of Thanksgiving trips, I’m thinking of fleeing to Atlanta for American Thanksgiving this year.
Speaking of Canada, I’m seeing Sloan next week in Chapel Hill. I have seen many of my favorite Canadian bands this year. I have not actually seen any of them in Canada.
I have a houseguest in the spare room; I’m helping out a friend who needs a place to stay for a week or so as he looks for a new home. He’s a nice guy and is generally being a “good guest” but I hate having someone else (someone whose quirks I don’t know all that well) in my house for an extended period. I’ve lived alone too long and I do not envision marriage or a roommate ever being an option for me again. And no, he’s not a follower of this site.
It’s McRib season again. You probably don’t care. That’s fine. More for me.

The next half century

So yeah, I’m fifty now.

I get mail from the AARP. I have abandoned the coveted 18-49 demographic. I’m sure there are places that would already extend me a senior citizen discount. And I’m now officially eligible to be listed on the National Register of Historic Places, which means I can finally get tax breaks for any façade restorations that would return me to my original appearance. I’m pretty excited about that last part.

Now, a la Buzzfeed (or High Fidelity) here are my ten most unexpected things about hitting the half-century mark:

1. First and foremost, there have been times I didn’t even expect to be here.
Over the past fifteen years I’ve fought off thyroid disease, cardiac issues related to that thyroid disease, cancer, and a pretty crippling depression. I smoked for twenty-five years before quitting in 2003. I had some pretty significant non-medical stresses as well. I lived through it all and I fully intend to continue doing so.

2. I didn’t expect to be living in Greensboro and really didn’t expect to be living in the house where I grew up.
I didn’t expect still to be living in San Francisco either so at least I got that part right. Would Greensboro be my first choice of residence? Probably not. But I’m pretty happy here. I’ve carved out a good life, I live in a reasonably nice house, I have a job that I love (more later), and my low expenses allow me to travel to places I enjoy pretty frequently. Greensboro works for me on many levels. Related: I also didn’t expect to have become such a neat freak.

3. I didn’t expect to have become one of those people who–without fail–brings my own bags to the grocery store.
Those people used to really annoy me for some reason. But when I (1) started paying close attention to how fucking many bags there were in my house and (2) began shopping at Aldi a lot, which (3) got me in the habit, I didn’t look back. Hint: The trick is to keep them inside your car rather than in the trunk so you don’t forget.

4. I didn’t expect to be making life and death decisions for my parents.
Enough said. When you have to let your dad die naturally and start having the same conversation with doctors about your mom, childhood is pretty much over. The good (or maybe sad) thing is that I’ve already pretty much said goodbye to my mom. That will make it easier when she “really” goes, right?

5. I didn’t expect to be a librarian and tenure-track faculty member at my alma mater.
This one is pretty much a win all the way round. it took me a hell of a long time but I finally found out what I love to do and what I want to be when I grow up. And I found someone to pay me to do it.

6. I didn’t expect to be single.
Yeah, we’ve covered this ground. After years of thinking I didn’t want love, I found it unexpectedly and wound up in what I thought almost right up to the end was the perfect relationship. Turns out I was wrong. I loved him and I don’t regret most of the time we spent together. I do regret getting out of the “habit” of being single because I’m pretty sure I’ll spend the rest of my life that way–and that’s ultimately for the best.

7. I didn’t expect to have reconnected with so many old friends.
That’s a big win too. Being coupled often isolates introverts from their friends as we have only so much ability to be social an the partner gets first (and sometimes the only) crack at that. Some old friends, a surprisingly high proportion of whom live in various corners of the state of New York, have made life much more bearable over the past few years. They may all never know quite how much.

8. I didn’t expect The Simpsons to be in its twenty-fifth season.
Come on. Did you?

9. I didn’t expect to have experienced such a rebirth of my interest in music.
I really got out of that whole indie thing for a lot of years. Strangely enough, I think it was my fascination with all things Canadian that got me interested again, first with francophone Quebecois pop and later with the (mostly anglophone) indie bands on CBC Radio 3 and other places. I’m pretty immersed now, I go to shows, and I find a lot of the more disposable 1980s technopop that used to still be a big part of my life long after its “sell by” date had passed to be virtually unlistenable now.

10. I didn’t expect to have experienced such a rebirth of my interest in cities.
This is a big one that makes me happy too. After thirteen years in San Francisco, I was still fascinated by cities but approached them warily. Turns out that either (1) my hatred of SF was the root of the problem and it was geographically specific, or (2) I like visiting cities a lot more than living in them. Probably a bit of both, but now I do mostly urban destinations where I stay in the city rather than the ‘burbs and use transit or my Adidas instead of the car. And I love east coast cities.

And my three biggest random and pithy observations:

I don’t feel fifty. Most people tell me I don’t look it or act it either. I think that’s a good thing. I’m not sure.
Sometime over the past few years, I lost my sense of adventure and of wonder at the world. I’ve found it again. I’m glad.
Rock and roll is better than sex and drugs, and each can exist independently.

Happy birthday to me. Last week, that is.