Journals : 1982 : Part 2

Soundtrack:

Beatles, Doors, Peter Gabriel, Genesis (old), Jimmy Hendrix, Rush, Romantics, dB's.

2 April 1982:

P----r is now not only dominating my thoughts, but many of my conversations too. People are starting to suspect, I think. I believe in my heart that Chip has had suspicions that I might be gay for some time, and with P----r's arrival, I think he's becoming more and more convinced.

3 April 1982:

I've just returned from (Language Day at) Salem, and I'm amazed at how radically different things have become and how much my attitude has changed since 15 March 1980, the first time I went. I've returned a winner..."In first place...I almost hesitate to say this..." (Smith has a reputation for being the loudest and most spirited crowd and we'd been in perfect form all day.) "...Ben Smith High!" The cheers went up...

Salem has been the one constant in my life since I was a sophomore...Today showed that I'd finally moved out of the gloomy drugged-out state I was in in 1980...I finally got my shit together and the Salem victory is symbolic of that success...

I met up with M-----d, Bill, Richard, and Ken about 8:30...M-----d was constantly building me up. we were side by side all day, and we had a sense of unity...he even hugged me when we won, though it was more of a grab over everyone else...Smith won awards for poetry, speech, song, and "No Exit". We were also best school overall and Mrs. Tuttle, who really deserved it, got best teacher.

(Mrs. Tuttle, the only teacher I had for all three years of high school is without question my favorite of all time. She new precisely what was going on with me at every juncture and kept on nagging and telling me the hard truth, while managing to give me just the right bit of support when I needed it too. In a nutshell, she treated me like an adult. Without her, I know I wouldn't have gotten nearly so far by my senior year...)

6 April 1982:

I discussed some of my writing with M-----d on the way home from school today...He seemed to agree with me, more or less, and for one of the few times in my life, I felt that I was on the same brain wave, if you will, with someone I knew...For the first time, I felt I could be honest with a person about what I believed, and what my impressions were on the world and life in general. Very few people I've ever known were really interested...I have this problem with P----r, "intellectual" as he is. He'll talk concepts if forced into it, but that's no way to do it...With M-----d, I felt I could be open with him about this journal (about which I've told very few) and probably about any subject which came up...Perhaps he's the one I could reveal my true secret too.

7 April 1982:

(I'm skipping this one, actually, because I kept using the term "the establishment" and I'm embarrassed...)

9 April 1982:

About 1979: I constantly spoke of girls like Wanda, Jackie, Janice, etc. as if I'd be dating and then screwing them within a matter of days. Maybe on the surface I believed myself. I thought I could change...When I wrote about Wanda saying "I also know that I'm one step away from being in love with her", somehow I knew that I would always be "one step away".

12 April 1982:

The moment has come. Trying to hold in a secret so major as one's sexual orientation is not harmful; it is down right destructive. I think that most gay people seem to be in such lousy mental shape because they have been forced to hide their true selves. Frustration at knowing what I was and trying to live a lie to cover it up is what led to most of the major problems in my life. I got involved with drugs as an attempt to compensate: if I couldn't be with all those guys in the way I wanted, I'd be with them in a different way...

Well, there's no more covering up. I'm not going to come out yet. I'm not ready to tell the world I'm gay yet, mainly because I'm not ready for my family to find out. But I'm also not going to get involved in anymore foolish relationships with girls. It's not fair to them and more so, it's not fair to me...I know that I probably can't come out to Barry yet but I think I can to M-----d...I feel I probably will...soon.

15 April 1982:

With all this recent talk about M-----d...it might seem I've forgotten all about P----r. "Out of sight, out of mind" it might seem. On the contrary, I think of him a lot and I'm anxious for him to get back from Germany...All I can say is that M-----d makes me feel better about myself than anyone I've ever met.. I feel I fit better with him than I do with P----r...I feel like I don't really fit into his league...inferior...

19 April 1982:

Why can't we get together? I know, of course, the main reason. Fear. I'm scared shitless to admit my true feelings to him and with good reason...At best I might lose his friendship and that would be hard enough to face.

25 April 1982:

I'll probably have a VCR within the next two days...it has everything I want: Beta format, three-day timer, electronic tuner...(Woo hoo...)

27 April 1982:

"Give every man thy ear but few thy voice. Take each man's censure, but reserve thy judgment...This above all: to thine own self be true. And it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man." (Shakespeare, "Hamlet")

(M-----d) is so great and sensitive. He's real and he's himself.He was talking to me today about our mutual belief in non-violence...He could never hit someone, not even his own brother. I could identify so well with that. I could no more hit someone if provoked -- or kill someone if drafted -- than I could jump off the Sears Tower and survive. Mainly because now I've reached the point where I don't allow myself to get that mad.

3 May 1982:

I think that bright sunshine, even though it suggests activity, is restrictive to me. I simply don't enjoy it. I believe it dates back to all those years staying with Oleene. The morning was time spent at home, watching TV or whatever. The afternoon was when I was forced to be outside, trying to look like I was interested in sports.

4 May 1982:

The people I associate with now (M-----d, P----r, Paul, Todd, etc.) are the sort I believe will accept me -- gay or straight...I've made a decision. No longer will I hear the word "fag said with mailce by one of my friends. I will correct them...Nothing more will be said by me unless they pursue the subject...I've already got a lot of people suspicious, I'm sure. I can't remember the last time I made the false gesture of staring at a girl's ass.

6 May 1982:

I had a long serious talk with Chip today and in a way it opened my eyes...He said "Stop being everyone else's David and start being David's David."...He read right into me today when we talked. He wouldn't allow the bullshit. He's the only person who really acted like he meant it when he said "I'm sorry" (about my aunt who just died). And the first thing he asked me when he called this afternoon was if I was feeling better.

10 May 1982:

In a way, I have a certain fear of graduation and that which comes afterward. Who knows what the future holds for me? And that date is getting so damned close...I pay for my diploma and announcements tomorrow, and the AP exam is a week from today. It's all closing in on me...

I'm sure it's becoming obvious to Chip. He's convinced I should ask out Debbie Jenkins. He's convinced that I need to ask out any girl. "People are starting to talk," he says.

12 May 1982:

I write today for the first time as a member of the National Honor Society...

M-----d will know I'm gay tomorrow. we did our best talking in weeks today. This morning I gave him a few vague clues...Tomorrow morning I'll tell him the truth...This whole thing's going to take a lot of courage and the next two days may be among the most trying in my life...

Coincidence: my horoscope for today says "morale surges upward -- you'll be invited to join a prestigious organization". Tomorrow's: "Feeling of uncertainty will be replaced by confidence...Terms will be clarified..." Wow!

13 May 1982:

About 30 minutes ago, I did what may have been the hardest thing I've ever done. I told him. I beat around the bush for a hell of a long time. Finally:

"Do you remember what 'Opinion Hotline' was about yesterday?"

"Sure. It was about equal rights for homosexuals."

He said something about how something I told him about myself wouldn't change our friendship. "This might," I said, "If you take it the wrong way."

He assured me that he wouldn't.

"Okay...it has something to do with that 'Opinion Hotline'."

"You're thinking of hiring a homosexual?"

We laughed, but mine was sort of a serious laugh. "I...ummm...think that I should have equal rights."That was it. he knew. there was no turning back now. He made his first statement.

"You're gay."

The look on his face was like nothing I've ever expected. I didn't see shock. As a matter of fact, there was not much reaction at all.

"You can do one of two things. You can say either 'it's OK' or 'nice knowing you'."

The tension was gone. finally, after all these years. He made a joke and said "Well, it's been nice knowing you" and then pretended to be getting out of the car. Then "Come on. I'm shocked, but it doesn't change anything." With those words, the hardest burden I've ever carried was lifted...

After all this, we talked for a few minutes. He asked me if I was planning to tell other people. I told him I didn't believe that would be the best idea right now.

"I told you because I think you've got your shit together and can handle it. I don't know many people who really have their shit together."

We're still friends. God! The full implication of that statement really hasn't sunk in yet. What will it be like? For the first time in my life I have a straight friend who knows I'm gay...Well, I've really done it.things might not be the same between us tomorrow. But I think they will. It seemed the right time. (As of 1995, M-----d was, I hear, touring as part of Amy Grant's band.)