Journals : 1981

Introduction:

1981 saw the beginning of the end of my attempt to convince myself I was a raging heterosexual -- not that I'd really believed it for a while anyway. Even as I became more open in my affection for boys, I tried to "cure" it by doing the unthinkable: actually dating girls on a regular basis. This ultimately made matters even worse and was, as they say, the "last straw".

Other themes: the on-again, off-again "drug-free Dave" (notice how closely related this is to one particular individual), taking school seriously, and working more hours than anyone should work in high school.

Editorial comments from the present continue to be in grey. Other than that, it's the (heavily edited) real thing.

SOME NAMES HAVE BEEN CHANGED!!

Soundtrack:

Police, Cheap Trick, Prince, Korgis, Steely Dan, Go Gos, Terri Gibbs, Ozzy Osbourne, Rick Sprigfield, Bruce Springsteen, Stevie Wonder.

5 January 1981:

Long day...back to school, up at 6. Gave Carrie a ride...went to lunch at Sally's with Barbara. Went to mall a while...saw Dawn and Jamie...Have finally realized I'm not bad looking.

8 January 1981:

Ate my first Chicken McNuggets. (A big day in any young man's life...)

9 January 1981:

But today I got closer and closer to being convinced that R---r is gay and interested in me...Lately we've been together alone more and more...One time he just started to kind of gaze at me...He's not girl-crazy like most guys. He doesn't even hang around with them much...There's just something about him...I want to please him and I want him to satisfy me...

12 January 1981:

I was over at his house most of the afternoon...I've noticed we're finding more and more reasons to be together...I really remember most of all the times he looked at me. he just kept looking and looking...Oh yeah, one more thing. I remember how I used to show off my good-looking friends to my mom and dad like some new conquest...like a girl does when her does when her parents meets her guy for the first time. R---r was doing this.

20 January 1981:

Gave Kim and Sue a ride home. Sue told me Kim really likes me. How do I get rid of the bitch? Hostages are on the way back. Day 444.

24 January 1981:

Mom and Dad were out tonight, but the night ended up a bust. At Dude's; got a blow job. Saw Kim at the mall. I think she's finally got the message.

11 February 1981:

Smoked a joint with R---r on the way back to school. I figured "what the hell". Slight buzz -- first time in five months...Mrs. Butt said I had a "gift" for writing.

13 February 1981:

Friday the 13th. smoked two joints with R---r before first period. Got good buzz.I can't get started back, not after all I've been through. Took Tricia Connor and her friend to lunch at Pizza Inn.

18 February 1981:

Oh what a beautiful morning. I'm about fucked up as shit. I'm sitting here in French tripping like hell. We're doing this damn poem. Now checking homework I didn't do. I'm leaning my head on my hand and it keeps falling. I'm getting paranoid as shit. I wonder who knows. It's all starting to come to me now. This is what it was like...

Remember last year about this time, me and Mandel were fucking up R---r's life, getting him to smoke more reefer and start smoking cigarettes again. Now it's a complete turnaround. He's trying to turn me back into a head.

Worked 5-11 tonight with Gerald. He rode my ass all night long.

22 February 1981:

Worked 1-4...Went back out to mall for a few minutes. watched "Solid Gold", "Disney", "The Rose". My life is getting boring.

6 March 1981:

Had sub in TV class today. Me and Carri and R---r left and drove around...Have decided absolutely no more pot. Refused some today...Me and Carri are seriously thinking about going to Atlanta during Easter; her mom and dad said OK.

29 March 1981:

I feel like shit and I don't know exactly what the hell it is I'm looking for. I don't really have any friends. I'm always by myself and I'm so damned lonely all the time. at least when I was involved in drugs I felt like I had some friends. maybe they weren't real friends...but at least they were someone to have around. Now I've got nobody. I feel like nobody really gives a shit whether I live or die.

My mom and dad aren't helping matters either. I don't know what in the fuck's been eating them lately. They're acting like they used to back when I was still doing drugs. Goddamn it, if they so much as suspect I'm back on drugs after I've suffered so much and sacrificed so many friends...

Why don't people like me? What in the fuck is wrong with me? It's been like this all through my life. Nobody wanted me around when I was in elementary school. I wasn't good at sports. I always seemed like the "brain". I guess that all this loneliness in my early life is what caused all my problems. I got into drugs because I thought people would like me if I did. but it wasn't me they were liking. It was the fucking drugs. People never have liked me. I can't figure out why. What's so bad about me? What did I do wrong? (A few weeks later, I added a note to myself here telling me basically to "get over it"...)

29 May 1981:

Senior Day. Skipped. Bought some beer, drank all that then met up with Mandel and Kinney. Went driving and drinking with Greg, Richard and Kerry. Got slam drunk. Passed out on bed and slept two hours. work wasn't as bad as I expected, but still hell after drinking a damn gallon of beer.

4 June 1981:

Took TV exam at Weaver. On way back R---r and me got some beer, the fact that I would do that on exam day has convinced me to re-straighten up.

16 June 1981:

Report card. Straight A's of course.

24-28 June 1981 (Yaupon Beach / Myrtle Beach):

Drank some early on the way...Went out tonight and got drunk as shit. We drank a case and a six-pack. Went through Wilmington and Southport. I drove pretty straight until about 12. Barry took over and we went to long Beach and home. Got pulled at Yaupon about 9 and Long Beach about 2. Cops told Steve his mom had to call them tomorrow at 9AM. Dread it...Barry told his dad about last night -- it's cool though...Me and Barry went to Wilmington again. I had to use my spare car keys (no gas key) and we ended up having to get a locksmith to open gas cap. Not enough gas to get home. hung at mall some with two girls we met at gas station...

Left for Myrtle Beach about 1...Drank beer (a little) then drove down to Cherry Grove to see two girls Barry knew, Janet (19) and Kim (12, but built), walked a little with them, then went to room, drank beer...finished off a case. Walked out on beach about 3:30AM...I'm now a pro beer drinker...Started drinking about 12 noon...Went to Pavilion area, walked and got T-shirts...Out to beach a little that night, separately. Barry met somebody and I met a girl named donna from Ohio...

 

Went down to Cherry grove again. I liked Kim (wanted to fuck her). We went on beach but these rednecks threw a cigarette butt into my car...It burnt a big hole in my seat. Went back to room about 11:30...we talked shit to a DJ, ordered a pizza, and called cops on those rednecks. Went out and cruised about 3:30. Myrtle Beach was dead...

Coming down day...cleaned up and checked out. Went down to Pavilion area and stayed til about 5:00. Barry fell for this girl at McDonald's...Started home...Made long stop at Lumberton to see girl Barry met on the way down...Stopped at Spring lake to get gas and call home. I talked to Dad; something's up. we hauled ass home. When we got there (about 1:30) I could tell something was up. Decided to tell him about Yaupon (think Barry's dad already did).

3 August 1981:

Worked 4:45-11. Closed with Gerald. Got pissed for the last time. I can afford to quit now and by damn I'm going to do it. No shit this time. (Sounds like a recent episode in my life...)

8 August 1981:

What impressed me most about Mandel was his strong sexuality and his camaraderie with Jesse...He was quick to brag about his (or Jesse's) sexual conquests...I can never forget the party when he and Kim disappeared. about 30 minutes later he walked out with his shirt off and zipping up his pants. He said his energy was drained. Mine wasn't. I was ready to go.

The relationship between Mandel and his blond god of a friend Jesse always impressed me as strange. Mandel was always telling me what kind of screwing Jesse had been up to...They were so close that I have considered they might have had each other.

4 September 1981:

Followed Polly to the game at Southeast tonight (we won 15-0)...met her friend Dusty -- we were together. Like her a lot.

5 September 1981:

Went over to where Dusty was baby-sitting. we made out. i was going fucking crazy and the fucking parents came home early. we were at the mall for a few minutes then took her home.

27 September 1981:

Went over to Dusty's about 8. we talked for two hours. We're gonna cool it for a while. I'll take it from there; I couldn't bring myself to flat out break up. (So ends the last "serious" boy-girl" affair of my life...)

16 October 1981:

Depressed as hell last night: no good job, problems in school, lack of sleep. I feel like shit. Went out to game with Lori at east Forsyth. Got drunk as hell on way over. She kissed me, fell all over me. We lost 21-0. Depressed as hell about A.P. English and work.

25 October 1981:

Helen said something to Cheryl implying that I liked he, and all hell broke loose. We talked over an hour tonight. Confusing. Cheryl thinks I'm ashamed to go out with her because she's black. Tonight I honestly felt that I was going completely crazy. Maybe I am. She's now convinced I'm prejudiced. (If only she'd known the truth...)

3 November 1981:

Applied at Chick-Fil-A. Got hired.

17 November 1981:

Went to library tonight. checked out "The Front Runner". Great. Started at Chick-Fil-A tonight. Not bad. Report card - 4 A's, 1 C. (Hmmm...does that "Front Runner" reference mean there's a storm brewin'?)

28 December 1981:

Went to Carolina Circle Mall tonight. Sucked off some black guy.

31 December 1981

 

Took Lori out tonight. Had wreck at High Point Road and Florida Street intersection -- other girl's fault. Fucked up my front end. We ended up going home (Mom and Dad were at Aunt Charlene's) and brought in the New Year with Dick Clark and a Coke toast. (And I ushered out the "heterosexual phase" of my life with this, my last date. As luck would have it, I believe she turned out to be a dyke as well...)