Journals : 1985 : Part 3
The Soundtrack:
Tears for Fears, aHa, Kate Bush, Duran Duran, Dead or Alive, Madonna, REM, Circle Jerks, Bronski Beat, Pet Shop Boys, Suicidal Tendencies, Murray Head, Frankie Goes to Hollywood
3 May 1985:
I should've known interesting things were inevitable when he called me and asked me to pick him up and closed out the conversation with "I love you." We'll call this one "Pete turns 21, drinks lots of schnaps, and tells all."...He was getting mildly into the "you're such a good friend" phase and asked me for a kiss on his birthday...a real good one, heavy duty and tongues included. "you're getting my dick hard. I know what you're after." He was right...
He kept telling me he loved me over and over: "You're the best friend I've ever had...I really mean it and I'm sorry it took me getting drunk to say this to you, but I can't talk about feelings too well...Please, no matter how much I beg you to, don't have sex with me tonight..."
He kept talking about being in love with Lily White (off and on for the past year and a half)...I told him I'd tell him a love story some day...I think we kissed again...At every stop light, his first words were "DO I get another kiss?". Of course, I obliged every time...He loved me, he would kill for me, and die for me...He thanked me for sticking by him through everything and he kept apologizing for having to get drunk to say all this to me...And finally he mentioned something that he'd never had the guts to speak of before: "I never told you but that night we spent together really meant a lot to me..."
The whole exchange, alcohol-induced though it was, did me good.Things came out which I needed to hear...We got to Jeff's house and Pete was nearly gone. When we stopped to get gas and he puked on himself, we took him home and put him to bed...Todd, Jeff, and I went on to the Power Company, and I ended up in a rotten mood and started crying my eyes out.
5 May 1985:
I was in Raleigh Sunday through Tuesday. Fun trip. I worked inventory with Art at record Bar...and drank and watched TV until 6AM...I visited Meral on Monday afternoon and she convinced me to stay another night...Am I moving to Raleigh? I don't know yet. I really think I will if I don't get this job at Texas Jeans...
Darrell. We've been back in constant touch lately...He wanted me to meet him at the shop to let him borrow some tapes. I was dying for us to end up at his house. We did...Lights went out at his suggestion...Our hands met...and we were kissing very soon afterward...The minute his mouth hit my dick I was ready to cum then and there...He wanted to fuck me. A moment's hestitation and I let him...No pain. No discomfort. I actually even enjoyed it. (Darrell's a bike messenger in DC now. Saw him at Christmas...)
24 May 1985:
Who would've thought two years ago that I would be a college dropout employed as Assistant Manager at Cheap Joe's Texas Jeans right now? Life has definitely changed...but I'm having fun -- I think...
I fucking danced. Jeff and I have had a long standing agreement that if I ever did, it would be with him to "It's My Life"...
Pete is hell bent on moving to Texas in July to live with Lily White; I'm not really sure if this move will ever take place. Relations between us are strained at best...Why does he continue to have these awful effects on me...I almost try to avoid him because it seems I never have a good time where he's involved...I see that I'm really afraid to get too close to him anymore, because I'm scared I'll fall back into that obsessive love thing.
27 May 1985:
I've just finished rereading the "Fred" story from 82-83...I had to run into him at the bar, and he had to be fucked up, and I had to carry it to its full dramatic potential...We hung all over each other for a while...He said he wanted to talk about something that he'd "never talk about any other time"...We went out to the patio where we basically made out. It started to seem very likely that we'd spend the night together. He...told me that I'd been driving him crazy during those early days. I responded that I'd also been going just a bit crazy...I was certain that 2 1/2 years of unresolved shit was about to be cleared up...We went back inside and...he disappeared. I drove "the family" back to Hell House and proceeded to drink four beers in less than one hour.
9 June 1985:
Pete's decided not to be celibate anymore...He's also not moving to Texas; it bothers me greatly that I was so disappointed by this fact...As for Jeff, we're working quite well together...Milestone event last Monday night...I met up with a cute guy (18) and his lover (25). I was dying for a three-way...Finally we were buck naked and having sex...it's a massive feeling having sex with two guys.
12 June 1985:
Played DJ tonight at Busby's to rave reviews.
9 July 1985:
After spending a month becoming more and more the "house DJ" at Busby's, I resigned tonight, just as things were starting to look up...Alan and his girlfriend came to the bar Friday night to hear me, and Randall was not pleased. In fact, he told Jeff the "straight people" needed to leave...I did finish the night...He didn't give in. Neither did I. It's a shame it had to end; I was enjoying myself and the crowds were getting much more supportive and open.
11 July 1985:
I'm treating Pete like shit and with no good reason...I'm dealing with a shitload of irrational resentment. I'm mad at him for not loving me, I guess...I want him to leave me alone and make life simple for me.
17 July 1985:
Jeff and Todd went to LiveAid in Philadelphia this weekend. I hate them both.
20 July 1985:
Wednesday night brought a trip to Winston with Pete, Jeff, John, and Darrell. Before the evening was over, Pete had kissed off Darrell, I'd cruised and gotten much too drunk, Jeff had sucked John's dick in the front seat of the van, I'd had a few strange moments with Pete, and a hangover was imminent...Pete and John are the new "duet" now, always together though they're supposedly not fucking...
I miss radio.
14 August 1985:
I'm 21, and I'm again reminding myself that I'm not doing much but playing with my life...The night I turned 21..Jeff taught me "how to be 21"; he gave me some of his own personal insights into life and how shit really is...I felt this was the first time Jeff and I had ever acted our ages in front of each other. Frankly, it got me a tad depressed...
On Sunday, Jeff and I went to Carowinds, rode rides, stared at gorgeous boys, and saw Nik Kershaw and Pete Young. Afterwards, we hit Scorpio...and ran into Pat...He was all hands in all the right places so I almost didn't stop him, but I really wasn't in the mood at the time. No go. (A little more than a year later, Pat became the first of my circle of friends to die of AIDS...)
20 August 1985:
Meral came up Friday night en route to Sybil's wedding, so she, Duncan, and I had a fun Friday night visiting Shoney's breakfast bar and WKSI.
23 August 1985:
Phone conversation between Jeff and Pete: "Why is David acting so strange around me lately?...It's like we used to be best friends and now it seems like it's an exhausting effort for him to even say hello to me." On and on until...
"Pete, what do you expect? You broke his heart month ago."
"What do you mean?"
"Don't play coy with me. You know exactly what I mean." Jeff even mentioned the letter.
"Yeah..."
31 August 1985:
Past autumns are slightly clearer than a blur...Fall has always symbolized renewal for me much more than spring. I'd often wondered if I 'd still measure time from September to September once I left scholastic settings. Of course, I still do.
15 September 1985:
Reason number one why I will never own a gum or live in a home which contains one after I move out: what just happened in my own bedroom at my own house. I strolled in at 12:15, trying to be quiet, happy that I was home this early on a Saturday night. I went to the kitchen, made a sandwich, and passed on to my room. As I was getting undressed for bed, the door swung open and there were my mom and dad -- him with a gun and ready to shoot.
"I didn't hear you come in" was the explanation. He always hears at 3:30...
My car is dying. Isabelle has transmission problems and is riding on her spare tire. She has to go. I might be b getting Clara, my mom's car...I need to get away too. Stan says he thinks I'll do it soon. I'd love it if I had the guts to run off to California with him...but 3000 miles is a bit extreme without some advance preparation.
16 September 1985:
I think that avoiding the bar for a while is an excellent idea which is doing me a lot of good...And it's giving me a chance to do different things. For instance, after coming home Saturday night, I used the extra waking hours to write and to prowl around the flea market.
24 September 1985:
Saturday night started with Alan and Jim and Shaun's party at North Gate Inn. Gorgeous boys and major drunkenness...When Jeff and I got to the bar, we noticed an incredibly gorgeous boy...Upon close inspection I noticed he was wearing a stranglers T-shirt...Conversation opener...Long conversation...not romantic...Cool guy....
I spent Sunday night at the Last Act with Jeff and John. John and Pete are doing some kind of relationship now, though I don't know the extent. John is having some sort of problem with the fact that he's not sure how Pete feels. Imagine that...
I may be saying goodbye Isabelle and hello Clara as soon as tomorrow.
26 September 1985:
A now drivable vehicle in my hands.
29 September 1985:
Eddie's back (or had I mentioned his absence). It seems he'd been in Duke Medical Center for a few weeks. After some testing related to his arrest for a sexual offense of some sort, they apparently found something else wrong with him. I briefly feared the worst since they wouldn't allow him visitors or phone calls, but I guess he's all right...
And Pete's leaving. He actually planned to the entire time, but changed his story to get people off his back.
22 October 1985:
It's finally over now. After two years, Pete is completely out of my life. He's leaving for Texas tomorrow. A very simple goodbye actually. I was too cold to bother hugging or kissing or anything like that. Oh no, not me. I'd been hurt enough, right? I was too proud to express any emotion. god forbid. So we shook hands and I looked at him a few times and left. No crying in front of anyone. No sign of weakness. No, I waited until I got in the car and drove off before I started crying...Two years ago tomorrow I was wring about Jeff mentioning my name to him for the first time...
23 October 1985:
I met a cute 18-year-old (17 at that time) a couple of weeks ago. His name was Timmy and we had really fun sex in the bushes. It turns out he lives at an orphanage in Lexington, the result of irresponsible parents...I went down to see him en route to the beach...and we got it on again. He seemed to be either in love, starved for affection, or convinced I was a potential daddy. (And this is why I often win the "where's the strangest place you've ever had sex" game. I've done it in an orphanage...)
5 November 1985:
The whole situation scares me. Timmy called me up asking if I could bring him home one weekend a month. That's the last time I talked to him...
Roger: we met at Offshore when I was at the beach...Too cool not to meet. Piles of hair and a bang with a shaved side and a ponytail. Wearing a pajama top over a pajama top. (Trust me, it was cool in 1985...) He works with bands -- mostly hardcore -- and puts on shows in an old warehouse...He promised to call me the next day. I figured it wouldn't happen. He called right on time...I met him that night...had our sex...I wrote shortly after returning and I still haven't heard from him yet...
Stan left for San Diego on Saturday...
Pete fucked Andrew (Peter's friend I was supposed to have an affair with three years ago) right before he left. We had a three-year overdue conversation...he's been sort of rude to me since he hit the bars, but he said he wanted to set me straight on fr: he's a closet case who likes it up the ass and treated me like shit, according to Andrew. Good assessment.
17 November 1985:
Important chain of events may be occurring as I write...Tonight Joe (Cheap Joe) dropped in the store to transfer some skateboards...I offhandedly mentioned that I might like to "adopt" the Charlotte store at some point. the shock hit when he asked if I was serious, and told me I might be able to have it...I'm supposed to call and talk "only to him" next week.
19 November 1985:
Joe says there's room for me to move up in the company if I want to...
3 December 1985:
Charlotte might be closer than I'd thought. Things had pretty much hit the point where it was fairly definite that I'd move shortly after Christmas...Joe called today and asked if I was "ready to go" -- as in soon, like within a week or so...Mom and Dad seem to be taking all this news fairly well.
25 December 1985:
This might be the last Christmas I spend living at home...Yes, I'm still living at home. Charlotte is on a "back burner" right now...I got notice that my move was off the day before I was scheduled to leave...Jean called and asked me to go to Columbia for a week instead...It proved to be a fun trip and I did a good job.
30 December 1985:
I'm not depressed. I feel reasonably happy and sane. I'm just terrifically bored with my surroundings and with Greensboro...I'm just coming home after work and doing nothing...My chance for change was taken away from me the day before it was scheduled to happen...I'm not courageous enough to just leave and start over like Stan did. I want to know I'll have some way to support myself. So I suppose I can only blame myself for still being here.
31 December 1985:
1985: It's all pretty much over now and I won't particularly miss it, but it did have its moments.