Journals :1980
Introduction:
Some things to keep in mind: the friend Mandel I mention was in fact straight, although it's pretty obvious in retrospect that I was severely hung up on him. My mom was later diagnosed as clinically depressed, so I now realize that I am not necessarily the center of the universe, nor was I necessarily the only reason she had problems at this time. In addition, I was not honest in these pages about the fact that I was gay (trying to convince myself otherwise, I guess.)
Notations in grey are "editorial comments" from the present.
SOME NAMES HAVE BEEN CHANGED!!
Soundtrack:
Pink Floyd, Pretenders, Peter Gabriel, Clash, Steely Dan, AC/DC, Kiss, Mike Cross, Lipps Inc., ELO, Led Zeppelin, Fleetwood Mac, Rolling Stones, Blackfoot, SOS Band, Molly Hatchet, Nantucket, Motors, Boomtown Rats.
1 January 1980:
Boy! Did I ever bring in the 1980's with a bang...The first time I get drunk, I get caught. That's just my fucking luck.
6 January 1980:
I'm just about getting to be best friends with Mandel. He's my best friend (I think) and I might just be his. I mean, we're always hanging around together. He's even invited me to the beach with him and Jesse this summer. I'd give anything if I could go. The three of us, by ourselves with no adults around...true heaven. (What did I have in mind anyway? Sounds like a William Higgins video...)
14 January 1980:
God, I'm in trouble. I knew my grades were in rotten shape, but not like they are...in Biology today. I found out I have a 71 average. a "D". I've never made one in my life...I'm not really all that worried about what my parents think of me. I'm just worried about what they're going to do to me...I got high at lunch today. This was the third straight school day. (What an achievement!)
24 January 1980:
Mandel and me see so much of each other it almost seems gay or something. But none of that. believe me. We're jut best friends and we like girls. (Right...)
In the old days, my parents loved me so much. They thought I was perfect, and I was going to be the one who never smoked, drank, or got into drugs. I had the same idea. But now the whole thing's changed. My dad (and probably my mom) knows I smoke. I've been caught getting drunk. I've admitted to having smoked pot (without inhaling I said.) Now I'm on an awful restriction. My parents seem suspicious every time I leave the house. They hate my best friend, and refuse to let me have anything to do with him. (That stops me?) My grades are dropping. And I'm not the shy, innocent, beloved son I once was. But I wouldn't change it for anything. I'm finally enjoying my weekends and holidays, not just sitting around and pouting because I don't have any friends. Now I have too many friends.That could be the whole problem.
30 January 1980:
And right now I'm seriously considering just completely running wild. I'm tired of being afraid to ask my mom and dad to let me stay out late on a Friday or Saturday night. I've got a strong feeling that sooner or later I'll just stay out whether they like it or not. But in a way I'm afraid to make the change. My parents have always been a source of security to me and deep down I'd really hate to hurt them.
25 February 1980:
So after my former best friend (Mandel) and Patti trotted off to lunch, I just found somebody else to go with and walked to Wendy's. (Remember, I'm straight, so this can't be cattiness or jealousy...)
17 March 1980:
Mom went to church. When she got home...I went into her room. she was crying...She told me she didn't think she could cope. She was worried about Dad being out of work and she was concerned about me...For the rest of the day everything was cool. But today when I came home from school, everything was screwed up. Dad was acting really down. He was looking at me funny...When Mom got home, she was down too. This is bugging the holy fuck out of me. I don't really know what's bothering Mom and dad so much, but all the "happiness and enthusiasm" around this place is making me sick. I need to get out of here for a a while but I'm afraid to ask.
25 April 1980:
Skipped third period, drank some of the Jack Daniels with Mandel. Kept taking short drinks. Decent buzz by fourth period. Rodney came over, then Pat picked us up. Went to Sir Pizza, GYC carnival, then drove around. Had two bowls, three joints...pretty fucked up. Pat came by afterwards; played some cards. Watched part of "Midnight Special".
27 May 1980:
I've discovered something about this friendship. It sucks. When I'm around my real friends...I feel I can be myself. I don't have to put on a show. Mandel's an asshole, he always has been, and more than likely he always will be...I should be able to adjust to not having him around.
24 June 1980:
When you no longer enjoy being around a person, I don't think you should call them "friend". All he seems to want to do is embarrass me or get me to give him money. I get fucking tired of it. And when I said something about Larrie, he said "If you get her, you'll never do anything with her." That fucking did it.
2 July 1980:
I shouldn't have done it, because if my mom and dad found out I'd be murdered. And I could have been arrested. I ripped off my mom's car...I was a nervous wreck. After I got home I chained four Salems in a 25-minute period.
5 July 1980:
Then when I got home from the fireworks last night I could tell something was wrong. My mom found the key I had to her car. She told me I "damn sure better not steal it." She has no reason whatsoever to think I might have taken her damn car (except of course for the fact that it was true)...The only peace I get is when I'm out of the house and with my friends or when I'm asleep...My friends make me happy, but my mom and dad get me depressed...if I don't get out of here for just a little while, I think I'm gonna go out of my mind...Second up, sleep. This is not as peaceful as it once was for me...I still feel slightly peaceful when I'm secure and safe in my bed, but...just last night I dreamed I was in bed crying. Something woke me up and I realized it was a dream. But still it worried me. I never used to cry in my dreams.
12 July 1980:
Met Mandel at mall tonight, got drunk with him, Andy, Kevin, and Chris. Raised hell at mall, got thrown out by security. Got ride out with Cindy and Kim; got three hits speed, walked to Fast Fare. Dad drove me home. Watched "Saturday Night Live"
18 July 1980:
The hostages are still in Iran. Reagan and Bush are the Republican candidates. Paraphernalia is now illegal in High Point.
7 August 1980:
Myrtle Beach: Mom and Dad let me go free for about an hour and a half, and I walked around the boardwalk. I ended up with some bumper stickers, two beer-can holders, and a "Death Before Disco" T-shirt. (If only I still had it...)
10 August 1980:
When we got home, I watched the "Solid Gold '79" countdown..."Pop Muzik" by M was playing when I really turned 16.
26 August 1980:
Me and Dad had a long talk. I cried for a little while (not in front of him) and then we talked some more. It's a shame that the only honest, open talks we have deal with drugs, drinking, and shit like that. But maybe that's the whole problem. My life revolves around it just too damn much, y'know?
11 September 1980:
Accidentally said "damn" on camera in TV class. Skipped all classes after second period, went out with Mandel, Pat, and Allen. Got high, called in bomb threat to Allen Jr. High, and generally raised hell. (There is a statute of limitations on this sort of thing, right?)
14 September 1980:
There used to be a certain magic or mystique attached to getting stoned. It was kind of a "special treat". But now I do it so much that I'm getting a little tired of the same old pot and booze scene. I don't know exactly what this means...But now I don't enjoy it all that much. It's just something to do to pass the time. All it really leaves me with is a headache and lots of problems.
17 September 1980:
Dad knows I had lots of pot here over the weekend and then while I was at work, Mom found papers in my pocket. Had long talk tonight -- I think I'm really gonna try to straighten my ass up now.
18 September 1980:
I think that today just seems like the right day to start straightening my ass out...Right now I feel like I can give it up. It seems like the perfect opportunity. I'm not getting a long so good with some of my "head" friends. I am getting along with some people who aren't...I don't know how I'll feel about this in the morning, but right now I just want to give all that shit up and see how the other half lives.
18 September 1980:
Even today I'm seeing things in a different light. I'm seeing the people who live in a completely stoned world as pitiful creatures. I was talking to Mandel about all the trouble I was in. He was trying to convince me to skip second period. "Why don't you skip and we'll smoke a joint and get your mind off it?" That hit me kinda hard...That's why I started...to escape from my loneliness. but last night my dad said I'd grown out of it. and he's right. I know how to make friends now...To put it bluntly I'm tired off all the bullshit. I'm tired of hangovers and red eyes, headaches and no money, dizzy spells and sleepiness, the whole bit...I'm more determined (but at the same time more scared) about this than anything I've done in a long time.
11 October 1980:
Had car tonight. At mall a few minutes, then drove around some. Ended up at Dude's - gave and received first blowjob, got first fuck. (The first "gay thing" in my journal-keeping history...a bit understated, no? As in "ate dinner, went to the mall, had sex for the first time, put gas in the car...")
13 October 1980:
It's feeling better and better being straight...Yesterday was a day to remember. I did something which, I think, took a lot of guts. I flushed a Quaalude, a little hash, and some pot down the toilet.
9 November 1980:
I feel cut off from my former friends. I don't really have anyone to hang around with because the only thing I ever did with these old friends was get stoned. What do normal people do for fun? I guess I never really knew. I started getting stoned before I started having friends...Now that everything's "gotten so good" (new car, school, etc.) why do I feel like shit?
26 November 1980:
Got report card. Straight A's. 4.0. Hell yeah! (Seems just like the heartwarming ending of an "ABC After School Special", doesn't it?)
9 December 1980:
It's been an outrageously bad day and I've felt like saying "the hell with all of it" all day. I know what the cause is. I've just been working too damn much, and it's getting me down...(School plus) thirty-five and forty hour weeks is just too damned much. and I'm still making $3.10 an hour. It's not fair...And on top of all this, I called Dad to tell him I was on the way home form work and he told me that John Lennon had been shot and killed. The Beatles, a constant source of escape, are not even whole any more.
25 December 1980:
Christmas. Family. No singing.
31 December 1980:
1980 really was one hell of a year...I've felt very popular at times during the year. It seemed I had friends everywhere when I was getting stoned. Everyone would come up to me wanting to smoke a joint. when i straightened up, I realized they weren't real friends. The only problem was that I didn't have any real friends. I doubt if I had one! I still don't think I have any...I escaped from loneliness for a while but now it's back, and during the coming year I plan to do something about it without a fucking buzz on.