The Evil "Cootie Factor"

30 July 1997

A clarification from yer humble host (26 August 1997):

Sarcasm is the sincerest form of criticism in many cases. This is one of those cases. The following article is meant as a criticism of the actions of a group of assholes who behaved like whiny ten-year-old boys. I mention this beacuse it has come to my attention that some readers fell for this piece of satire hook, line and sinker and were pretty pissed off about it. I compliment these readers on their sentiment even though their "satire alerts" may have been malfunctioning that day. Frankly, I'd like to see MORE women invading men-only spaces from time to time.

And now back to our regularly-scheduled rant:

So all us guys were having a really great time at the Dore Alley Fair last Sunday. The leather was gleaming, the pecs were pumped, and the testosterone flowed freely. It was a very manly time for all. There were very few girls there to spoil it for us, since we've made it pretty clear just about how welcome they are in our circle.

So imagine our horror when we saw two women making out in the back area of the local bar-cum-sex club after the fair. Women! In my corner bar! Invading the back, even!!!

Didn't they see the "no girls allowed" sign on our private boys' club door? Didn't they realize they wouldn't be welcome? Were they not aware of the abuse and derision they would be subjected to? Haven't gay men been through enough in the past fifteen years without being subjected to (gasp) COOTIES???

It really doesn't matter that they weren't being particularly defiant or pushy, or that they just wanted to make out in the dark like everyone else in the back room. Their mere presence was threatening to us. It was very intimidating; some of us even began began questioning our manhood. Fortunately, some were able to maintain their masculinity by yelling "get out, cunt" and warning that they might not be safe. Eventually the bitches went away. Thank God the brotherhood triumphed again!

How could they assume that a street fair based on the celebration of sexuality might lead to an atmosphere where women could feel comfortable in an obviously male-dominated environment? It was just awful. My dick shriveled up in horror. Women in the backroom. I'm still recoiling in disgust.

By scaring them off -- one of them seemingly on the brink of tears -- we've once again proven that gay men are just as manly and superior to women as straight men. I think that's great. Women need to know their place in the world and that place is in the Mission or Bernal Heights. Not in the Folsom Street Boys' Club.

And don't you go writing me back to defend them either, or I'll call YOU a sissy and the boys won't let you play anymore. That's how I handled that faggot who stood up for them at the bar.